#in the sense that it's actually the ideal gender term for me. boy. i really really like it

[kalashtars]

the term boymoding changed me fr. it feels so gender. boymoding. i'm shifting into boymode.

[your-devoted-domme]

About me

I'm an introvert who is a huge dork at heart. I love spending time in nature (particularly the forest), reading and writing, learning new things (particularly about languages/linguistics, anthropology and history, mythology and different religions), going to the theatre and opera, listening to outdated music and playing with my dog.

I consider myself a (female) bisexual dominant stone top, meaning I like being in charge and making my subs feel good but I do not enjoy being on the receiving end of any sort of penetration and most other sex acts. I'm interested in both male and female subs with a preference for other women.

What I'm looking for on here:

Friends or a long-term romantic relationship (I'm not interested in polyamory but it wouldn't be a deal breaker if my partner was). I'm not interested in casual play at all and I will only engage in D/s with a romantic partner.

What I'm looking for in a partner:

looking for a long-term romantic relationship

in my age range (~ 21-35, roughly)

I'm very attracted to people who are just good (kind, helpful). I don’t need someone to be the smartest person or the most confident or the funniest, just try to be the kindest version of yourself you can be.

good communication, willingness to listen and speak up if there are problems

mutual respect (especially when it comes to personal boundaries) and trust

willingness to compromise

strong sense of self and independence, maturity

overall emotional connection

I adore gentle people and even those who are a bit shy.

"naturally submissive" as in not just looking to have a certain kink fulfilled but who is happy to let me take charge in the bedroom

feminist/feminist ally

has done their homework with regards to kink -- it's fine to be inexperienced (I am as well) but I would hope any person wanting to engage in kink has at least done some research

someone who doesn't view me as a "kink dispenser" and sees me as a human being who is flawed and imperfect just like everyone else

Me as a partner:

Of course, it's a bit silly to just write a whole essay about what I am like in a relationship so I'm not going to do that and just hope my positive qualities will become clear during actual conversation. :)

That being said, I try to embody all of the traits I look for in a partner myself (kindness, empathy, independence, maturity, mutual respect, loyalty, honesty...). Since my biggest love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time, it's important to me to put aside time for my partner and really focus on them as well as performing small acts that make them happy, such as getting their favourite drink from the coffee shop or helping them with a task they've been struggling with.

I also try to actively improve myself, mostly by journaling (doing shadow work), meditating and going to therapy.

One of the things I'm still working on is my tendency to withdraw when I'm stressed and wanting to solve all my problems by myself.

I'm also still finishing up university right now, so in case of a potential long-distance relationship, I don't know what my situation will look like in a year or so. Ideally, my partner would be open to re-locating to Germany.

One last thing to note is that I've only had relationships with other women before but I am bisexual so I'm open to men as well. I've mostly avoided dating men because I am a stone top and I figured most men wouldn't be into that and because I don't enjoy all of the gender roles and expectations in straight relationships. Let me buy a beautiful boy flowers if I want to!

Me as a domme:

I don't have much experience with domming per se but I have been a stone top in all of my previous relationships. I learnt that I like being the "active" partner, the one who does things rather than being the one who gets acted upon. I don't enjoy being penetrated at all, I would be okay with receiving cunnilingus but frankly, my sexuality is more focused on my partner and making them feel good. That's why long-term chastity/orgasm denial doesn't interest me, I enjoy making my partner come too much to be satisfied with that.

In general, I would consider myself more along the lines of a gentle domme, I'm very into giving praise and taking care of my partner in the bedroom. I don't like being harsh at all and I do not want to insult/degrade my sub (making them fell embarrassed is another matter entirely -- especially if my sub becomes flustered because of the praise I heap onto them).

I think there are two overall "schools" of femdom, with the focus either being on the sub or the dom and of course most people fall somewhere in the middle. I consider "dom-focused" to be acts like a sub attending to their domme in the bath or performing body worship on them or admiring their beauty while "sub-focused" would be the reverse of that -- it can also be a dominant act to want to care for a sub. I'm more in the latter camp, I want to adore my sub and it's important to me that they are okay with being the object of my affection (and desire).

My ideal dynamic:

The most important thing I crave in a dynamic is being able to feel like I'm taking care of my sub in some manner. I love providing pleasure and making them feel 'safe'.

I'm also looking for a mostly bedroom-only dynamic. I don't mind having a couple of general rules if that's something my partner is interested in but I don't think the 24/7 high protocol life is for me. I want my partner to still feel like an equal outside of kink.

My ideal dynamic would involve a lot of mutual reassurance and communication. I would love to be with someone I feel safe exploring with, someone that makes it easy to just be myself and where I don't have to worry about not meeting their expectations. I also want to hear my partner's thoughts about everything, they need to let me know what they like/dislike and generally have an open communication style.

I also like it when my subs show some initiative, especially in the beginning when we're both still trying to figure out the other I think it's so important to know that this is what they want.

Occasional bratting can be fun but more for when the dynamic is actually established. Right in the beginning I think I would lose my confidence as a domme too much if my sub constantly sassed me and I felt I had to always "make" them do things rather than them being excited about obeying me. I'm also more generally interested in obedience, there is something very beautiful about someone giving me this "gift" of their obedience.

Now for some specific insights:

a dream would be to be able to dress my subs, decide what outfit they'll wear for the day and what clothes to buy when out shopping. For long-distance it would even be fun to receive an "outfit of the day" selfie

I'm looking for a good girl/boy to shower with attention and take care of (while they are still a mature/capable adult outside of the bedroom)

I love obedience and "casual" non-sexual submission, especially a sub kneeling before me while I run my fingers through their hair, maybe hand feed them a snack if they get hungry.

I don't really like gender roles, I look quite traditionally feminine and I'm usually attracted to feminine women and masculine men but when it comes to behaviour, I do not like to stick to certain requirements. I like opening doors for my sub but I also love it when they offer me their arm so I can hold it and steer them where I want to go

I enjoy giving a lot of praise, maybe even in a slightly patronising/condescending way during a scene but I'm not overly fond of degradation. Some slight verbal humiliation would be okay for me but I honestly prefer giving praise.

Kinks

praise

pegging/strap on use

toys

spanking

fingering

overstimulation

edging

pet names

collars/leashes

kneeling

handcuffs/soft bondage

shibari

obedience +devotion

shy subs

body worship (giving)

size kink

fingers in mouth

marking/biting

fucking machine

remote controlled toys

anal

free use

...

Limits:

ABDL, age regression

incest (simulated or otherwise)

watersports, scat

feederism

sissy, feminization (not because I don't like feminine men but because it often tends towards being misogynistic as in "being feminine makes me feel submissive")

cuckolding

forced bi

chastity (short term denial or edging is okay but I would lose interest if I didn't get to see my sub come regularly <3)

degradation (I don't mind making a sub feel embarrassed about something but I prefer praise to insults)

any fetishes that are based in misogyny, homophobia or racism

[sehtoast]

What inspired your oc?

what inspired Ben?

that’s a hell of a rabbit hole, but lemme give it a crack. hope you're ready to read a whole book lol :

so, for starters, i’ve always been a spider-man kid for as long as I can remember.  I’m not sure what my first introduction to spidey would’ve been, but i’d bet it was either the 90s animated series or tobey maguire’s spider-man movies.  The first maguire movie came out when i was 2, but i’m positive i saw it super young because i don’t remember a time where i didn’t absolutely fucking adore spidey. Some of my strongest memories are actually of ‘wall crawling’ up my grandma’s brick sidewalk and running around her yard like i was swinging from a web.  I had the toys, the pajama suit, the string-can webshooters, plastic masks, played all the games growing up, etc etc. Spider-man stuff is just like, idk INGRAINED in me. He’s what i wanted to be- and, honestly, i still dream of swinging from a web.

Now, that said: Ben.

Ben started as a x reader concept. I’d never written fics before stumbling onto homelander, but i ended up finally snapping one day and giving it a shot for two reasons.  a) blindmagdalena inspired me to write and b) i wanted to finally see some form of trans rep for fanfics, particularly for transmasculine people.  I have my brain trained so strictly to swap pronouns, gendered terms, and even body part names that it actually affects my reading outside of fics, too. Which isn’t necessarily good, but it just goes to show how little is out there for us (fic is usually always skewed toward fem readers- which isn’t a bad thing! It just makes it hard for transmasc folks to indulge sometimes).  But yeah, i really fucking wanted to finally put something out there for us.

But, this fella had to have powers right?  Tender Threads was the start of my writing adventures and i was adamant that it would follow a supe!reader.  And what powers would i want if i were a supe? Spider powers, of course!  Initially i was really insecure about doing this because webweaver already exists in the boys comics and i felt like a copycat.  I couldn’t even figure out a better spidery hero name than spider-man, so i said fuck it and went with it.  Of course, months later across the spider-verse came out and validated me putting a spider-man in another universe, but that’s besides the point lol.

The more i wrote this x transmasc!reader concept, the more and more i could see Ben in my head.  He started off as a concept and just… grew?  I picked his name because i really like ben reilly as spidey and i figure there’s gotta be another spider-man out there named benjamin, right? They can’t all be variants of peter and the more major characters. Funny enough, he was almost a Bennett.  Anyway, i imagined him quite similar to peter parker in the ultimate spider-man comic line, but he’s steadily grown to have his own appearance, especially once i went out looking for a face claim for him and found froy gutierrez.  Now, he looks like a ~2018 era froy!  Funny how ocs grow and change.

I decided that i wanted him to have powers more along the lines of Miles Morales in the insomniac games (bc i fucking ADORE miles and i think his bioelectricity is SO FUCKING COOL). So, i picked that. Kept the organic webbing bc that made sense to me. 

Also, it  wasn’t even a thought in my head of whether or not to carry over the aspect of being trans for ben.

His suit design was heavily inspired by the unbreakable spider-man suit by @ vaughanilla_cosplays on instagram, but i’m still working on building a design that is truly ben’s.

From there, i thought of him in terms of what my ideal spider-man would be like. This part i actually struggled with until i stumbled across this video of Peter Cullen about the day he auditioned for optimus prime (hopefully the time start works, otherwise it's at 1:38-2:10).  Those words hit me first, like, as a person, and i find them influencing me in my day to day life, surprisingly.  But then i realized, that’s what i want for ben.  If ben was going to be a hero, he was going to be a real hero.  Benjamin would be strong enough to be gentle.  Even being a character destined to love a man who is anything but, Ben would be strong enough to be gentle.

Above everything else, Benjamin is gentle.

And from there, he grew.  He grew and grew and grew, and now he’s actually very precious to me.  Ben is my spider-man, more than any iteration ever. When i think of spidey, i think of Ben.

But yeah. I guess ben was ultimately inspired by my love for spider-man meeting my love for the boys. Just, one day an egg appeared, you know?

Anyway, thank you so much for this ask. I fucking LOVE talking about my lil benny-boo 

[hoovesandfloorpaws]

[since everything under a Read More cut gets deleted in case a blog deletes/gets deleted and the WayBackMachine isn't so good with pictures, for Archive Purposes only, I will add the most important bits of the full post.] [...] In a Swedish interview, Harry said “Ah, okej. Jag kan spela dubbelt, det ar okej for mig.” [...]

(source) [...] translation:

Interviewer: All the famous boybands have a member who is gay. (Westlife, Backstreet boys, Boyzone, N*Sync) Who of One Direction is most likely to come out? Zayn: Louis are the most camp. (They boys agree) Liam: But we don’t say you are gay, just that you are most likely to come out. Harry: Oh okay, I can play double, that's okay for me.

There’s two possibilities here: 1) Harry is trying to make Louis less uncomfortable or 2) He actually is bi.

I don’t really think Harry would put himself out there just to relieve pressure from Louis, because that’s a really big claim to make. I like to think he was being honest (Harry has always been a weirdly honest person anyways), but then again he has always been very protective about Louis’s sexuality. In this interview in 2011 he tries to stop Zayn from [outing Louis and accidentally outs him himself]:

Since there’s no way of knowing which is the ultimate truth, let’s move on to a new topic: Gender Ambiguity.

SInce the beginning of time (or at least the formation of 1d), girls have fallen head over heels for the boys. [...] This of course leads to the question, “What do you look for in a girl,” a question which Harry always answers in a very interesting way:

Int: “What do you look for in a girl?” Harry: “I think someone that’s funny. Someone who’s a nice person. And has a nice smile… something like that.”

Hey, Louis is funny, and nice, and has an amazing smile.

Int: “What do you look for in a girlfriend?” Harry: “Nice person with a good sense of humour, nice smile, and a nice bum!”

Refraining from once again inserting a comment about Louis’s amazing sense of humour, gorgeous smile, and shapely ass. Also I’m not going to remind you that a while ago Harry gave an entire speech about how Louis is always hilarious because of his perfect timing.

Int: “What qualities do you look for in a girlfriend?” Harry: “I just like people that are friendly, that you can get along with easily. I think that if you’re supposed to get on with someone, it’s easier to get on with them if you don’t have to put much effort to get along and make conversation. If it’s right it just kind of happens.

I think this one is the most obvious gender ambiguous one, because Harry makes it very clear that he’s just looking for someone he gets along with. [...]

Here we go again with the complete gender neutrality. _

Int: “Is it hard to meet girls who take you as a real person, not a pop star?”

_

For this next one I don’t have a GIF, but go to this interview here, around 3:28. (the video is not available on YT anymore.. i wonder why 👁)

Int: “What’s the one thing you look for in a potential girlfriend?” Harry: “I think just someone who has a good sense of humor. And like, if you can hold a conversation with him, that kind of helps.”

Okay, from all of these instances I think we can conclude that Harry makes an active effort to keep his ideal romantic interest gender-neutral. There’s really no way that it can be a coincidence, because the interviewers essentially set up the questions to be answered as “I like a girl who…,” yet Harry always changes the feminine pronoun to an ambiguous gender. This is a conscious effort on his part.

People tend to repeat back the language that they are given, yet despite being fed questions dealing with feminine pronouns, Harry consistently speaks in gender neutral terms. This is deliberate. 

Firstly he has his wonderful “Love is Equal” shirt, which was created by a company to support gay rights, and he also went to a gay nightclub, Le Bain, on March 22nd, 2012.

Neither of these really tell us anything in particular [...] we can really never know until he tells us, if he ever does. But what we do know is that he has placed some very strong hints our way showing that his sexuality is not clean cut as the media makes it out to be.

1D Studies--Harry's Sexuality

Listen to me ramble about Harry Styles, one of the most perfect human beings in the world, and constantly occasionally bring up Larry Stylinson while doing so.

DISCLAIMER: None of what I say is fact. This post is not meant to be offending or derogatory; I simply want to bring up some points. What his sexuality is or is not really doesn’t matter, but nevertheless it is relevant.

Keep reading

[craziestfangirl98]

My thoughts on Love, Victor season 2 cause I have too many feelings and I need to talk about it.

Disclaimer No. 1. This has massive Love, Victor season 2 spoilers so pleaseeeee leave if you have not watched it. Also if you do not want to engage with it.

Disclaimer No. 2: This is my opinion on the season so if you don't agree please leave. Don't come for me. I don't mind having proper discussions but I don't want unnecessary arguments so thanks.

There are a lot of unpopular opinions so as I said earlier if you don't want to be respectful, please leave.

I absolutely adoooooooored this season. I think it met its potential quite well and I liked how it panned out. I felt it was brilliantly done. I know a lot of people don't agree with me but I actually saw that it was gonna be an acquired liking but yeah.

THIS POST WILL BE GETTING TO THE MORE MAJOR PARTS OF THE SEASON. MEANING VICTOR, RAHIM, BENJI AND VENJI.

Let's start with individual breakdowns.

Right of the bat we see that this season is gonna deal with Victor with the rest of the world. The first season was very internal and dealt with his own stuff in his own head. We very minutely see his interaction with different people and how that internally affects him. This season was more of how the outward world dealt with him. His intersectionality of being a Queer POC that plays sport really adds to the discussions within the queer community and the sense of being outcasted within the community. I liked how he was able to talk to Andrew about the whole being 'the most non gay gay' and also not being 'gay enough'. It was really nice and I loved that interaction. I also liked the fact that they discussed the whole aspect of being stressed about the first time and such.

I liked the full cabin sequence in terms of his anxiety about having sex for the first time. That too with an experienced gay. It all just makes sense and makes me glad that it was addressed.

I loved him as the 'mentor' for Rahim and the fact that they could relate to each other about being POC with religious parents I think was the exact push needed for the discussions to move forward.

I think his conversation about his queer experience as a POC with Rahim was something I have been waiting for since the first season. He definitely should not have revealed Benji's secrets without talking to him and that was a mistake on his part and something that will affect Venji in a long while. But the fact that Rahim and Victor relied on each other was not surprising.

I am going to address the rest of the aspects of Victor with regards to his relationships with each of them after their individual breakdown.

Now moving forward to Benji.

I know its gonna be a hard truth but I think his character was the one that I liked the least. And this is specific to the fact that his motivations are hidden from us. He is not really open to talk to us (through victor). I had the same problem with him in the first season and was hoping he would be fleshed out more. We only see him as an extension to Victor and just his boyfriend. Even then, we barely see him communicating with Victor or anybody else all through the time. Also, that being said, I have seen a lot of people say he was OOC but I think he was actually not really OOC. The way he reacts to Victor's mom's reactions although they come from a place of wanting better for Victor, he doesn't really think twice about why Victor must not be reacting or doing so subtly. He feels very unsympathetic on many occasions and that is a pattern we see from season 1.

I'm not saying he didn't have any troubles of his. Cause he definitely did. We know that with the drunken driving episode and the AA meetings and the strip club story. They were all awful, but that doesn't excuse him from trying to understand where Victor is coming from. Maybe having a little more context and communication about him would make us understand him and his motivations better.

This season specifically, I actually found him to be very token-ish of a gay guy which is weird because it has two other gay characters (or 5 based on the multiple cameos).

Now getting to Rahim.

I LOVED HIM. He is, I think right behind Victor in my heart. I fell in love with him barely minutes into the episode. His coming out retelling was the most wholesome of all things. I loved the friendship Pilar and him shared. I'm surprised we didn't get a scene with Pilar teasing him about his crush on Victor but I think that was because the writers didn't want to make it obvious. I felt he had a character of his own that was explored more than just coming in between the main couple. The one episode where they skip school we found out more about him and it was intriguing to say the least.

He is a Muslim gay boy who likes to put nail polish and fashion and believes that his parents will not accept him. It is soo refreshing to see this theory get denied and the parents being completely okay with it. Next, Victor and him have an interesting relationship between the two. When victor needs his mind to be taken off of things or talk to, Rahim does just that and when Rahim needs some advice or just some support Victor does that.

NOW VENJI.....

I think this is again... a little unpopular right now, but... their relationship was not that great this season. And I.... kinda expected that to happen. That is for multiple reasons. They spent 50% of their time making out, 40% of it fighting and 10% communicating. Were they flawed? Absolutely and I get that. They had massive miscommunication problems. Trust issues and everything under the moon. It is to be expected especially cause they are teenagers and they are not mature enough. That being said, flaws are not when you are dismissive of your boyfriend's issues because he doesn't fit your ideal gay stereotype. Flaws are not when you say your boyfriend is too much for you to handle and say something like you are the only one taking care of them. That's manipulation. Flaws are not when you don't realise that the context your boyfriend comes from is very specific to himself and if you want to do better you need to be open to listen to where he is coming from instead of getting offended by him saying you are white when you don't get the specifics. You need to understand that by saying you are white, he is not dismissing your experience with alcohol addiction and with your father taking you to strip clubs and shit. He is just saying you don't get where I am coming from. The reason I say I saw it coming is because even in season 1 we see Benji go ahead with what he wants to do instead of thinking about the consequences. Case in point the kiss on Victor's birthday. Victor told Benji that his grandparents are homophobic and still he kisses Derek. Because it is fiction and a teen drama the consequences weren't dire and it came to be a growth point for Victor but just imagine if the consequences were different. If it ended up being something worse, what then. I feel this season we are especially able to see Benji out of the rose tinted glasses that Victor had last season.

That being said I admit that Victor was also not entirely good. He did breach Benji's trust. I don't see how they can go back from there. He didn't communicate from his side as well, but just think of it like this if someone says you are too much to handle would their partner actually be willing to communicate what's bothering them?

The things about Isabelle walking on sex. If it was my house anything remotely sexual, irrespective of the gender would have been met with shame and anger just as Isabelle did. They are 16. The little brother was right next door. In any way whether it is straight sex or gay sex it would still have been met this way I feel.

So yeah as much as they are supposed to be the main star couple of the show they lack in almost every aspect. So yeah...

Now coming to VICTOR X RAHIM

Straight off the bat, I don't know if I watched the same season that others did because I actually felt the chemistry between them was actually more than Venji had in scenes other than the make out ones.

Also, they come from similar backgrounds. They understand each other much better than any white dude could ever understand them. They actually talk and communicate.

Rahim and Victor on the other hand are both new to this whole being gay, out and proud thing and I feel they would understand each other better. I think a big problem people have with them is that the writers fall back on the love triangle trope and stuff but I like it in this instance. It made sense to me.

Why? Because they are teenagers. Also, the gay pool in schools are so small and people are bound to explore. Like Victor said, what are the odds that you end up with the first person you start dating?

Also, regarding the wedding. Benji said he would not come, so I don't think he has the right to question who he came with. It was completely innocent on Victor's part because he did invite Pilar first. I guess it is the whole first slow dance that was the betrayal and as much as their chemistry was palpable I feel Benji should have allowed to here him out. I don't know maybe you all feel different about it but I feel that is not a betrayal on Victor's part. What could have been a betrayal was the kiss. I know it is once again a repeat of the cheating stereotype and I had hoped that the showrunner's did it a bit differently but well it has happened. (But again the chemistry in that kiss!!!)

What do I want to happen next. I definitely ship Victor x Rahim more than Victor x Benji. I would love for it to be Rahim behind the door but it feels unlikely that the showrunners will actually do that so my hope is even if they get together, Benji and Victor realise just how much they don't fit with each other and break up amicably and then Victor x Rahim gets explored and slow burn happens.

I don't want Victor to be the only one apologising if Venji do get together again. For whatever small amount of time. I need them to communicate better.

So yeah..... this was long and what I thought of the main portions of Love, Victor. It's really ironic how people love everyone other than Victor in a story about him and care for all the stories other than him.

[auburnflight]

VnC 47: Jeanne’s Fantasy

I'm really intrigued by this page of Jeanne reading one of Luca’s books in VnC chapter 47:

From the previous page, we can tell that it's a traditional fairy tale--to be exact, Sleeping Beauty (In French, La Belle au bois dormant).

What stood out to me about it is that, as she reads, Jeanne envisions herself in the conventionally male role—fighting the monster, saving Sleeping Beauty (who is actually Vanitas), and carrying her (him) to safety. I wanted to address a few meanings that this seemingly innocuous page could have for the story: added complexity to Vanitas and Jeanne's relationship, potential foreshadowing, as well as a queer reading.

Up until now, Vanitas and Jeanne's relationship has followed a heteronormative type of the controlling man and the more submissive woman, almost to the point that it's humorous. Jeanne, introduced initially as fierce and intimidating yet strikingly beautiful, is taken in by Vanitas, who manipulates her into being dependent on him (for example, making her drink only his blood and promising to kill her if she goes mad). In short, she turns out to be, in the words of the other characters, "kind of a pushover."

IMO, this characterization does not leave a positive first impression. I was excited by the image of Jeanne as a feared fighter (which, admittedly she still holds somewhat, though the story of the hellfire witch has been put on the back burner for now), and I felt that she immediately lost a lot of that "coolness potential" when that image got buried in Jeanne's romantic entanglement with Vanitas. But I do feel that this image of Jeanne's fantasy introduced in chapter 47 adds a level of intentional irony and textual self-awareness to Jeanne and Vanitas's romance. It juuust begins to undermine heteronormative ideas about gender roles, instead of blindly following them.

In actuality, the crafty Vanitas has the surprisingly innocent Jeanne under his control, and  Jeanne loses much of her say in her own narrative. But in her fantasy, Jeanne maintains agency over her own story. Perhaps, due to her inexperience, she fails to see the strategies that Vanitas has used to establish his position of control over her. But she desires to some extent to lead her story in its own direction. Through the inclusion of this brief yet important fantasy, Jun Mochizuki may be acknowledging that their relationship is more complex than it appears on the surface (as Mochijun’s stories so often are!).

...Ooor it could be just wishful thinking, but I’m really hoping that it’s not.

Whether or not Jeanne will be able to regain agency remains to be seen. In this sense, this image of her fantasizing could be read as foreshadowing—there's a discrepancy between her ideal romance and the actual nature of the one she's in, so maybe she won't get the "happy end" that she envisions in the fairy tale.

I'd also like to posit the interpretation of this page as a queer reading of the text. Obviously we've seen queercoding elsewhere in Vanitas in numerous places. Notably, though, Jeanne's fantasy comes explicitly and intentionally from within her—this is not just the characters or the text hinting to something, but something Jeanne actively (even if subconsciously) wants for herself. This is  stood out to me as a lesbian reading the text—it's a direct glimpse into an awareness of or desire to reach outside the prescribed notions of heteronormative relationships. 

Again, how exactly this becomes significant to Jeanne's character arc remains to be seen. However, as a reader whose "queer awakening" began with that first realization that I wanted to completely upend masculine and feminine sterotypes in relationships, I definitely feel a little more complexity hiding under the surface for Jeanne, and I look forward to seeing how this vision of herself is built upon further as the series progresses.

Of course, this is just one page in the midst of a chapter that's overall dedicated more to Misha. However, considering the implications that Jeanne and Vanitas's relationship have already had and will continue to have for plot events, I think it's worth noting this page and particularly the middle panel as a glimpse into Jeanne's perspective. And, saving and being saved, as is happening in the fairy tale, is a theme at the core of Vanitas as a whole. We have already seen that Vanitas has promised to "save" Jeanne and heard Noe’s hypothesis that Vanitas even wants to be saved himself. So, both on a surface level and in numerous more subtle ways, this panel is actually deeply entwined with the messages that Vanitas conveys. In particular, I look forward to seeing how the complexities of Jeanne, both as an individual and in terms of her relationship with Vanitas, continue to be revealed!

Fun fact to end the post: The thorns and briars are a significant symbol in Sleeping Beauty, which is also known by the title "Little Briar Rose." We've already seen "shadow briars” in our encounter with Amelia/Eglantine earlier in the series. I wonder if these are connected somehow...?

[nodutra19]

This might be my favorite episode in the whole series. Though I don't play "favorites" for the most part and just look at things as a whole, rather than through rankings.

By critiquing patriarchy and gender, RGU necessarily critiques hero worship. Now, I haven't actually studied up on hero worship just yet. It's an idea I became familiar with after reading The Pike by Lucy Hughes-Hallett. After BHM, I'm gonna read three of her other books, starting with Heroes: Traitors, Saviors, and Superman: A History of Hero Worship. Maybe I'll write about RGU and hero worship by the middle of next month.

In particular with this episode, and as has been built over time, is the idea of "special people." A few episodes ago, Akio waxes poetic over how "special" Utena is, and how special people don't know they're special. There's a few layers to that, but here I wanna focus on the hero worship aspect in terms of Souji/Nemuro.

I've loved this episode for a very long time. It truly feels like a wrinkle in time and space. It gives me nostalgia for a where and when I never laid personal witness to. Last year around this time I read American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer by Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin. The very first chapter has the quote:

Around the globe, scientists were soon to be celebrated as a new kind of hero, promising to usher in a renaissance of rationality, prosperity and social meritocracy. In America, reform movements were challenging the old order. Theodore Roosevelt was using the bully pulpit of the White House to argue that good government in alliance with science and applied technology could forge an enlightened new Progressive Era.

For some reason I never drew this connection to RGU until today. It did tickle me on my rewatch last year but still.

"Genius." What a loaded word! I've read about geniuses, from Marx to Oppie to Tolstoy to Nabokov and now to W.E.B Du Bois, and they were all just as foolish as they were intelligent! I think we see here a sort of prefigurement to Akio and his relationship to Prince Dios. Literally they are the same, but Prince Dios lives on as a separate image to which Akio aspires because 1.) He wants to regain lost time and 2.) These are the demands of patriarchy.

But that's all it really is: an image. An idea. A rotten ideal in white. "But is that what she really wants?"

In this case, Professor Nemuro somewhat does fit the mold of a "genius." A genius is an odd person, a disconcerting changeling. A Byronic solitary figure who "doesn't fit in," who "stands out," who "comes into your life like a hurricane." They're a little beyond human ken. They are a "god among men." They are often "hard to work with." And the worship is just as cultic and religious as all these romantic phrases imply.

Of course, most of their contemporaries think lesser of them than what subsequent myth making would imply. In the case of Marx, he could be a bit grumpy (and was a D1 bum in the funniest sense. An iconic debt shuffler) and had terrible handwriting. You'll often hear people say "Smart people think so fast they can seem rude" or "Have bad handwriting." Behaviors and traits that would otherwise be pathologized are at least excused if not embellished if someone is a "genius."

I think there are other layers to this stuff, especially, I imagine, for those who are ace and aro, but I dunno enough about that to get into the weeds about it.

To bring things real close to RGU, I remember some years ago getting into a conversation with some several years older than me. They were an immigrant, and so I helped them with dealing with the culture shock they were facing. Eventually we got to talking about generations, and they said "I think this generation [referring to mine, Gen Z], will change the world. If more people were like you, things would be better." I was obviously flattered, especially the second bit, but the first bit had always bothered me. As I'm reading through David Levering Lewis's biography on W.E.B Du Bois for BHM, I'm reminded of how Du Bois came up with the idea of the "Talented Tenth." They were essentially the Black Vanguard who would lift the Black race up. Later on, however, he revised it to the "Guiding Hundredth," which attempted to democratize the idea and expand racial lines to something more intersectional. Having gained this knowledge after that conversation, I realize why I was bothered by what that person said: it seemed another form of idolatry. Changing the world isn't the work of a chosen few predetermined by a secular mandate of heaven (In Oppie's time, it was scientists. Nowadays, the "heroes" are entrepreneurs and venture capitalists), it will involve all of us, of all walks of life.

My thoughts are very soupy on this subject, so pardon if I seemed rambly and unfocused.

I'll at least leave a few quotes:

I've become convinced that genius is a vastly overrated commodity. I think this country is full of geniuses, guys and gals so bright they make your average card carrying MENSA member look like Fucko the Clown. And I think that most of them are teachers, living and working in small town obscurity because that's the way they like it. —Stephen King Insomnia

To hell with the philosophy of the great men of this world! All great wise men are as despotic as generals and as rude and insensitive as generals, because they are confident of their impunity. —Anton Chekhov, after souring a bit on a late controversial play by Tolstoy. As translated by Rosamund Bartlett

Genius…means little more than the faculty of perceiving in an unhabitual way. —William James The Principle of Psychology

That last quote is part of the epigraph of the Du Bois biography I'm reading. So rn I got a lot on my head about geniuses, professors, heroism, hero worship, masculinity, etc.

For Marx and Tolstoy, I recommend the biographies Love and Capital: Karl and Jenny Marx and the Birth of a Revolution by Mary Gabriel and Tolstoy: A Russian Life by Rosamund Bartlett (along with her excellent translation of Anna Karenina)

Fansub release + translation notes for Utena ep 22!

さすがに何でもよく知ってるわね。でもそれだけの情報網があるなら、早く奴らの正体も突き止めて欲しいわ。

You know everything, don’t you Juri? With such a vast intelligence network, I wish you’d hurry up and find out these people’s true identities. (literal translation)

You know everything, don’t you Juri? I wish you'd put your little birdies to work finding out just who is behind this. (final translation)

情報網 (jouhoumou) is an interesting word to use here! It literally means “intelligence network”, so Nanami is implying that Juri has a bunch of spies feeding her everytthing that happens at the school. To actually use the word “intelligence network” sounds a little but out of place in English though, so I rephrased the line a little to sound more conversational and accusatory.

Boy: しばらく消えないでしょうね、根室教授。 Nemuro: ん？なんだい？ Boy: 雪の事ですよ、教授。

Boy: Won't disappear for a while still, eh, Professor Nemuro? Nemuro: I beg your pardon? Boy: I was talking about the snow, Professor.

There’s a double meaning in the first line here — the boy could reasonably be talking about the Professor himself not clearing out for a while. That was actually my original phrasing: “Won’t clear out for a while” but Anya suggested “disappear” which is actually much closer to the original Japanese phrasing so I changed it to that. I think this exchange preserves that passive aggressive dig at the Professor pretty well!

あの人は花が散るのを見たくないんですよ。こうすれば短い命の花も少しは長持ちさせることができる。でも、こうまでして永らえても花自身は嬉しいんでしょうか？

She hates it when the petals begin to fall. This way even a short-lived flower can be made to last a little longer. But… I wonder how the flowers feel about their existence being prolonged like this.

This is one of my favourite exchanges in the show! I think this really emphasises how Japanese sentence structure and general way of phrasing things differs drastically from English. A literal translation of the first sentence would be something like “That person does not want to see flowers scatter”. Each part of the sentence sounds weird if translated individually:

あの人 - “that person” being used because Japanese prefers that phrasing to third person pronoun “she”.

花が散る - “flowers scatter” is the most natural way to say “petals fall/die” in Japanese but sounds very odd in English

見たくないんですよ - “does not want to see X” also sounds very funny when translated directly to English, but simply conveys the idea that she doesn’t like seeing something happen.

When taken as a whole, complete idea though, the sentence can easily be translated into something that sounds natural in English: “She hates it when the petals begin to fall.”

The hardest part of this to translate was the last sentence. I originally had translated it like this: “So much work to make them last, and yet I wonder if the flowers themselves are happy.”

こうまでして - to go this far/to put in this much effort/to put in this much work. However, this is more of a tone setting phrase than a meaning carrying phrase, so it’s okay not to translate it directly.

永らえる - to prolong something’s lifespan. This is hard to translate because while the phrasing works in Japanese, the preserved flowers are actually dead. So you can’t translate it as “I wonder how the flowers feel about being made to live so long” or something of that ilk. My original translation of “make them last” works, but I prefer the final translation of “existence being prolonged”. It sounds more applicable to Mamiya’s situation, and this exchange is all about that metaphor.

永遠に憧れる心が美しく思えたりするだけだ。

(lit.) We just think of a heart that longs for eternity as beautiful. (??)

We just romanticise the idea of eternity.

Another great example of Japanese phrasing that sounds super weird when translated directly, but can sound very natural when the core idea behind the words is translated properly. “Romanticise” is such a succinct one-word translation of the several word phrase 「憧れる心が美しく思えたり」!

Thank you to my amazing editor @dontbe-lasanya for their help with the episode as always!

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Rose divider taken from this post.

[nerdygaymormon]

My Queer Playlist

Whether they’re upbeat & joyful or they convey pain & sadness, songs are a way to bond with a lot of people over something as amazing as queerness. Music has a power & ability to cut through, communicate something, & bring people together. Music can make being queer not so isolating. 

Everyone has their own list of songs, but here’s my queer playlist.

It includes songs by LGBTQ performers, gay anthems, songs that are about LGBTQ topics & people, and songs that speak to the queer experience (that you’re not alone, the search for self acceptance, things get better, you’ve got one life so make the most of it, and things like strength, perseverance, & love overcoming odds). And many of these are great songs for dancing, which makes sense as even today most of the specifically-queer spaces are bars and dance clubs. 

You’ll notice that as the years go on, the number of songs starts increasing as it became safer to be out & queer topics became more accepted. You’ll also see a shift from borrowing the songs of female empowerment to having actual LGBTQ people singing about their lives and feelings. 

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1939 - Over the Rainbow : Judy Garland - The dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Rainbows and dreaming of a better world--absolutely speaks to queer desires. When it was dangerous to be open about being gay, the term “friend of Dorothy” was a way for a gay people to identify each other. “Oh, you don’t know Bob? He’s a friend of Dorothy.”

1957 - Jailhouse Rock : Elvis Presley - This is a song about male inmates in prison dancing together. And there’s even a gay crush! Inmate Number Forty-seven said to Number Three “You’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see. I sure would be delighted with your company. Come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me.”  

1963 – You Don’t Own Me : Lesley Gore – This song is all about letting me be who I am and love who I love, stop trying to make me be someone I’m not. Lesley didn’t come out at the time as the music industry was homophobic, she eventually came out as a lesbian in 2005. 

1964 - Don’t Rain on my Parade : Barbra Streisand - We do like great big colorful parades, don’t we? This song is about how we’ve got one life so live it with gusto, do the things you most want to do. I’m holding my own parade and nobody is going to rain on it.

1966 - You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me : Dusty Springfield - Generations of closeted women & men could identify with the idea that queer love couldn’t last, it was too risky, so they’d take what they can. You don’t have to say you love me, just be close at hand. You don’t have to stay forever, I will understand. Dusty was a lesbian who didn’t talk about it much at the time in mainstream media for fear of losing her career.

1967 - Respect : Aretha Franklin - Aretha turned this song’s message of demanding respect for oneself into a universal declaration of pride and demand for equal treatment for blacks, for women, for LGBT people. She did things like perform at the Elton John AIDS benefit or a private wedding for a high-profile gay couple. 

1969 - Make Your Own Kind of Music : Mama Cass - The message is take pride in your uniqueness and individualism.

1970 – Ain’t No Mountain High Enough : Diana Ross –  Love conquers all obstacles if you have enough faith in yourself.

1972 – All the Young Dudes : Mott the Hoople – David Bowie wrote this song’s lyrics and sings on the chorus. The words sound like he’s calling for all the young (gay) dudes to come together. All the young dudes (I want to hear you) Carry the news (I want to see you) Boogaloo dudes (I want to talk to you, all of you) Carry the news (now) And there’s also this lyric that sounds like Lucy is a trans woman or a drag queen, but don’t bully them because Lucy will defend themselves. Lucy looks sweet 'cause he dresses like a queen. But he can kick like a mule, it's a real mean team

1974 - Rebel, Rebel : David Bowie - Part of what made Bowie beloved amongst the queer community is he was celebratory in how he portrayed androgyny and gender non-conformity and he was sexually ambiguous (bi? gay? straight?), while at the same time flaunting sexuality in everyone’s face. He exemplified the message to be yourself, even if you’re queer. This song’s lyrics include “You’ve got your mother in a whirl. She’s not sure if you’re a boy or a girl”

1976 - Dancing Queen : ABBA - This is a story of a 17-year-old girl on a nightclub dance floor, lost in the music and the moment. Of course, “queen” has a different meaning in the queer community and so this is often sung tongue-in-cheek. There’s a delightful campiness to ABBA that has long-appealed to gay fans, and gay singers like Erasure, have covered ABBA songs. 

1976 - Somebody to Love : Queen - Freddie Mercury, who composed these lyrics, was gay. The question he keeps asking “Can anybody find me somebody to love?” could be about being gay in a society when any sexuality besides ‘hetero’ was frowned upon.

1977 - I Feel Love : Donna Summer - This is a song about loving your body and your desires, a powerful sentiment for people whose attractions were once seen as deviant and who grew up feeling shame for who they are. Try to listen to this song and not feel like dancing.

1978 - Macho Man : Village People - These lusty lyrics worship the muscled physique of the ideal macho man

1978 – I Love the Nightlife : Alicia Bridges – Alicia was out as a lesbian and this song is about going to the club and dancing the night away, which appealed to queer listeners because that’s the space where they would get to unabashedly & joyfully express themselves.

1978 - Got to be Real : Cheryl Lynn - If you stay real, you’ll find “real love,” in other words, be authentic and you’ll find authentic love. The song was prominently featured in the 1990 documentary Paris Is Burning, which chronicles the ball culture of New York City and the African American & Latino gay and transgender community involved in it. There’s something deliciously ironic about Drag Queens strutting to the words about being “real”

1978 - I’m Every Woman : Chaka Khan - This song of female empowerment & strength appealed not only to women but also black and queer communities across the world because it is about taking on whatever roles you want. And it’s a favorite song for drag queens to lip sync & dance to as they can present themselves as “every woman.”

1978 - I Will Survive : Gloria Gaynor - You can imagine marginalized people asking the same questions in the song: “Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?” The gay community has embraced this song that is a declaration of resilience & pride Even after decades of progress, many LGBTQ people still have to deal with daily assaults on their personhood & “I Will Survive” remains relevant.

1978 - Y.M.C.A. : Village People - Very fun song. The lyrics make me think of young gay teens migrating to big cities like New York (often after being kicked out by their parents). The YMCA’s provided cheap shelter for them. And of course, the lyrics hint at all the gay activity, too. “It’s fun to stay at the YMCA. They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys.“

1979 - Don’t Stop Me Now : Queen - Essentially the song is just a man intent on having a wild night out and inviting the rest of us to come along for the ride or else get out of his way. The love interests flip between male & female and back again.

1979 - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) : Sylvester - The singer is black, gay and some form of gender queer and sings the song in falsetto. He’s singing the praises of someone who makes him feel good, validated and alive. The words about feeling real, those mean something to queer people.  

1979 - In the Navy : Village People - The United States Navy asked to use this song in a recruiting campaign, they thought it seemed like a catchy song praising the life of a sailor. They later decided against it when media started criticizing the use of taxpayer funds for a “gay” music group because it would further enhance the much-whispered talk of gay activity aboard ships, what with all these men stuck at sea with no women for long stretches at a time. 

1979 - We are Family : Sister Sledge - A message of unity that resonates for queer people as we often have to build a chosen family, and this song fits that.

1979 - Go West : Village People - The song is about an imagined utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. Why “Go West?” In the USA that’s been the direction of freedom and opportunity, and plus San Francisco had become a gay mecca and it was on the West Coast.

1979 - Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) : ABBA - A woman is alone in an apartment watching television late at night as the wind howls outside. She says, “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight.” A sentiment many a gay man could sing along with.

1980 - I’m Coming Out : Diana Ross - Yes, this song is about that kind of “coming out.” The lyrics also are about being your truest self and throwing aside shame’s shackles.

1981 – Elton’s Song : Elton John - A moving piano ballad about a gay teenage boy’s hopeless crush on another boy. The song contains themes of heartbreak and shame. The video is enough to make me cry. This is from before Elton John was publicly out as gay

1981 - Tainted Love : Soft Cell - Having an openly gay man sing this song gave it layers of meaning. The gay experience is not all about empowerment & acceptance. This song coming at the start of the AIDS crisis came to represent some of the fear & paranoia that became part of gay life. “Once I ran to you, now I’ll run from you.”

1982 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me : Culture Club - Boy George had a 6-year relationship with the band’s drummer, Jon Moss. The relationship was kept hidden from the public, and George often felt hurt because he wanted to be open about his love. While the song is about their secret relationship, the video is about being victimized for being gay. It shows Boy George getting kicked out of different places in various historical settings. In the courtroom, the jurors are in blackface to show the bigotry and hypocrisy of the many gay judges & politicians in the UK (most were closeted) who enacted anti-gay legislation.

1982 - It’s Raining Men : The Weather Girls - Super campy song, ridiculous words, but it’s sung fearlessly with over the top vocals that make it so good. What gay boy didn’t wish it was raining men?

1983 - I’m Still Standing : Elton John - These lyrics of showing a strong sense of endurance in the face of adversity is a theme that resonates with the queer community and is exemplified by Elton John, himself. 

1983 - Na Na Hey Hey : Bananarama - This remake of the 1969 song by Steam didn’t change the pronouns. This girl group is singing to a woman, asking her to leave her man because “He’ll never love you, the way that I love you”

1983 - Church of the Poison Mind : Culture Club - A man falls in love with a religious gay man who, because of what he was taught at church,  can’t resolve his own feelings about being gay. If you’re living in a society distorted by prejudice, take a chance on joy--embrace love, whatever form it takes.

1983 - I’ll Tumble 4 Ya : Culture Club - A light-hearted song about looking for someone to fall in love with sung by Boy George, the most famous man in drag in the 1980’s. 

1983 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun : Cyndi Lauper - This song is about breaking the rules, letting go, being free and being visible. And yeah, lesbians wanna have fun.

1983 - Karma Chameleon : Culture Club - If you’re a person who doesn’t take a stand because you don’t want to offend anyone by being true to who you are, then karma is gonna get you. Boy George was in a relationship with the drummer, who wasn’t out so it had to remain secretive. Their difficult lover-professional relationship was the inspiration for many lyrics in Culture Club songs, including the line, “You’re my lover, not my rival” in “Karma Chameleon.”

1983 - Relax : Frankie goes to Hollywood - At a time when gay sexuality was still mostly illegal and therefore usually portrayed in song & media by way of clever allusions, “Relax” was a song about gay sex—and despite the video being banned by the BBC and MTV—was the biggest pop song in the world. The chorus was about delaying sexual gratification to increase pleasure ("Relax, don't do it when you want to come")

1983 - I Am What I Am : Gloria Gaynor - Gloria has taken this Broadway song and given it a disco/dance vibe. The song is about coming out of the closet and living life authentically.

1984 - I Want to Break Free : Queen - The video is a parody of the U.K. soap opera Coronation Street, which has the entire band in drag, including Freddie Mercury as a housewife while singing lyrics about wanting to break down the boundaries of acceptability. The video was banned in the U.S. 🙄

1984 – Smalltown Boy : Bronski Beat – Wanting to escape the oppressive nature of a small hometown is something many queer kids long for. The song takes the pain of rejection and makes it danceable. What else makes this song notable is it’s from an openly gay group during the peak of the AIDS crisis.

1984 - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) : Dead or Alive - The singer is queer and singing a love song, the New Wave music is hot, and this is an iconic classic of the 1980’s

1985 - Lover Come Back to Me : Dead or Alive - The 1980’s synth, the huge hair, and a queer singer telling his lover to come back.

1985 - Living on My Own : Freddie Mercury - This video was too controversial at the time and was banned because it featured drag queens, transvestites, and other questionable people enjoying themselves at a party. The lyrics talk about being lonely & living on my own (which I don’t know if he meant it this way, but it’s a good way to describe how it feels being in the closet), but there’s got to be some good times ahead and the music matches that upbeat hope. 

1985 - Sisters are Doin’ It for Themselves : Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin - It’s a feminist anthem that also has appeal as a song of lesbian empowerment

1985 - Somewhere (There’s a Place for Us) : Barbra Streisand - This song from the musical West Side Story is about love that is forbidden by society and dreaming of a place where such love is accepted, a theme queer people certainly understand.

1985 - Thank You for Being a Friend : Cynthia Fee - This song is on the list because it was the theme song for the TV show Golden Girls. When most people think of that show, they think of the 80′s fashions, cheesecake, the one-liners and showed older women as having sex drives. What the LGBTQ community remembers is that it had remarkably progressive outlooks on LGBTQ rights for its time, with nods to the AIDS crisis, coming out and even same-sex marriage. This video shows some Pride highlights from the show.

1985 - Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow : Freddie Mercury - The lyrics are about two lovers who are forced to go their separate ways, we’re not told why, but it’s clear the singer is sad about losing his beloved. This 2019 video is two white blood cells falling in love, only to have heartbreak ensue when one of them gets HIV. This video benefits the HIV/AIDS charity organization the Mercury Phoenix Trust (MPT). MPT was founded by Queen in memory of Freddie

1986 - Nikita : Elton John -  Elton John sings of his crush on a person called Nikita, an East German border guard whom he cannot meet because he is not allowed into the country. In the video, the guard is female, but the name Nikita is a male’s name.

1986 - True Colors : Cyndi Lauper - The lyrics are about seeing who someone really is and loving them for it. And it doesn’t hurt that your “true colors are beautiful like a rainbow”

1987 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Whitney Houston - This is popular with the LGBTQ community. We wanna dance with somebody like us, so we go to gay clubs.

1987 - It’s a Sin : Pet Shop Boys - This song is about a person’s lifelong shame and guilt, presumably for being gay. “For everything I long to do, no matter when or where or who, has one thing in common, too. It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin”

1987 - Faith : George Michael - The song, about declining hookups and patiently waiting for a more meaningful connection, portrays a balancing act with which gay culture has long wrestled. “Well I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more. Yes, I’ve gotta have faith” is just as meaningful today in a culture searching for love while swiping left.

1987 - So Emotional : Whitney Houston - This is a great pop song with lyrics that people can easily see themselves in. Whitney sang a lot of non-gender-specific songs, this being one of them. What we didn’t know at the time is that Whitney’s best gal pal had once been more than that, they cut out the physical part of the relationship when Whitney signed with Arista Records in 1982, but remained best friends, so there may be a reason she preferred to sing love songs without a gender. Also, as if the song isn’t iconic in its own right, I will always think of the epic lip sync performance by the drag queen Sasha Velour when I hear this song. 

1987 - Always on my Mind : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of an Elvis song, but they dropped the references to a girl, making the gender of the person they’re singing about ambiguous.

1987 - Father Figure : George Michael - The phrase “Father Figure” represents how someone can take on a paternal role, encouraging & inspiring another person. Many queer men suffer alienation & rejection from their fathers. As one of these men begins to explore emotional intimacy with another man, the singer assures him that he’ll take on the role of loving and mentoring him, help him work through those issues. 

1988 - One More Try : George Michael - The singer is calling his new lover “teacher” (maybe because he feels he has a lot to learn about love). He’s hesitant to enter a new relationship because he has been emotionally hurt by a previous one. The song concludes with a willingness for “just one more try.” 

1988 - A Little Respect : Erasure - Singer Andy Bell was one of the first openly gay pop stars to actually sing about queer romance. In this song he’s calling to a lover to not leave and asks the question, “What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?”

1988 - Kissing a Fool : George Michael - George is lamenting the recent lost love of a man "who listened to people who scared [him] to death and from my heart.” The line “strange that you were strong enough to even make a start” suggests that the ex-boyfriend was in the closet or was reluctant because of the baggage & reputation that came with dating a star like George Michael. Under the homophobic scrutiny, the boyfriend was made to “feel a fool.” In the end, George is heartbroken and is the one left feeling “a fool.”

1989 - Express Yourself : Madonna -  “Don’t go for second-best” just because he treats you nicely in bed, but then is emotionally distant. Stand up for yourself and what you need in a relationship. So why is this on this Pride playlist? The music video! All those muscular men.

1989 - Part of Your World : Jodi Benson - This song is from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. Ariel rejected traditional marriage partners and wants to marry a human against her father’s wishes. She dreams of being a part of the human world. For a long time the LGBTQ community has wanted to pursue romance & marriage with whom we want in a society where we could belong & be welcomed.

1990 - Vogue : Madonna - “Look around: Everywhere you turn is heartache.” That’s not exactly a fluffy opening for a dance-pop song—and that’s the point. This is still the time of America’s AIDS crisis, and this song is inspired by New York’s gay ball scene. This song wants you to put away the heavy stuff for a little while and get on the dance floor.

1990 – Groove is in the Heart : Deee-Light – A message of love and good times and the singer, Lady Miss Kier, although a woman, has a drag-queen sensibility to her colorful retro style

1990 - Freedom! ‘90 : George Michael - This song is cleverly about 2 things. One is about his career–the breakup of Wham! and then the success of his album Faith, and how he’s tired of being pushed around by his label so he’s taking control of his career and telling people to disregard the pop imagery of his past. It’s also about him wanting to come out of the closet about being gay, “There’s something deep inside of me, there’s someone else I’ve got to be.” It would be almost another ten years before he was publicly out.

1990 - Being Boring : Pet Shop Boys - “When you’re young you find inspiration in anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door,” I believe this is talking about being in the closet and the hope that comes from people who’ve come out. The final verse, “Some are here and some are missing in the 1990’s,” AIDS wiped out much of a generation of gay people in the 1980’s. Now he’s grown up and out of the closet as “the creature I was always meant to be.”

1990 - Gonna Make You Sweat : C+C Music Factory - Fun dance song. In a 1997 episode of the The Simpsons, a steel mill turns into a flamboyant gay club when this song comes over the loudspeaker

1991 - Losing My Religion : R.E.M. - Lead singer Michael Stipe had several times declined to address his sexuality, so when “Losing My Religion” came out, people assumed Stipe was hinting that he is gay. “Consider this, the hint of the century. Consider this, the slip.” It stands as a classic example of queer coding in the era of “don’t-ask-don’t-tell”. The song was often interpreted as the struggle of Michael Stipe as a closeted gay man to come to terms with what religion taught about him. 

1991 - I’m Too Sexy : Right Said Fred - A fun song about a guy who is full of himself, thinks he is so sexy. Richard Fairbrass, the singer of the group, came out as gay at the time of this song, which made the song seem representative of a certain narcissistic part of gay culture that centers on the gym and muscle worship

1991 - Emotion : Mariah Carey - This song displays Mariah’s crazy vocal range, is upbeat and danceable. Mariah grew up a poor, biracial young woman in the 1970s and 1980s. She had a drive to prove she is “worthy of existing,” and this has resulted in a number of songs about self empowerment, overcoming obstacles, a desire to belong, and all those things are relatable to the LGBT community.   

1991 - Finally : Cece Penniston - A dance hit about falling in love. A lot of people, including queer people living in a heteronormative world, wonder if we’ll ever find true love, and can relate to the excitement & relief of the lyrics that “Finally, it has happened to me.” This song was featured in the 1994 movie The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which was about two drag queens and a trans woman trekking across the Australian Outback in a tour bus they named Priscilla. The show is a positive portrayal of LGBTQ individuals.

1992 - Constant Craving : k.d. lang - She had been a country singer, but came out as gay and released this song. Every lesbian knew exactly what k.d. was craving. 

1992 - Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover : Sophie B. Hawkins - The song’s lyrics are written from the perspective of a woman who is observing another woman in an abusive relationship. The singer is having a difficult time seeing her “black and blue” and dreams of rescuing this abused woman and making her happy, taking away her pain, and being physically intimate with her. Hawkins has stated that she is “omnisexual.”

1992 - Take a Chance on Me : Erasure - ABBA had a following among the gay community, and Erasure singing one of their songs helped bring ABBA back into mainstream consciousness again. Plus in the video, two members of Erasure dress in drag playing like they’re the women from ABBA. 

1992 - This Used to be my Playground : Madonna - The lyrics are about losing childhood innocence and gaining responsibilities. The song came to be seen as an ode to gay friends who died during the AIDS crisis, and the loss of innocence that epidemic caused.

1992 - The Last Song : Elton John -  When he learned that his son was gay, the father had “disowned” him, but upon learning his son was dying from AIDS, overcame his homophobia to spend the final moments with his son. This one makes me cry.

1992 – Deeper and Deeper : Madonna -  The song talks about sexual desire, though in the gay community it’s seen as being about a young man coming to terms with being gay. “I can’t help falling in love. I fall deeper and deeper the further I go. Kisses sent from heaven above. They get sweeter and sweeter the more that I know”

1992 - Supermodel : RuPaul - RuPaul’s debut single introduced much of America to “sashay/shantay.” RuPaul used this breakthrough hit to become America’s favorite mainstream drag queen.

1993 - Bi : Living Colour - One of the very few songs (that I’m aware of) that celebrates bisexuality. The main line is “everybody loves you when you’re bi”, which is so affirming.

1993 - Somebody to Love : Queen & George Michael - At the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, George Michael sang this song about a man calling out to God, asking why he works so hard but can't find love. At the end of the song, he finds hope and decides he will not accept defeat. Given our smaller numbers and the process we go through to accept ourselves, queer people often work harder to find love. And here is George Michael, who became a gay icon, singing the song fabulously.

1993 - What’s Up - 4 Non Blondes - This was the first Top 40 hit by an openly lesbian group (somehow the Indigo Girls never got higher than #52). The song begins with the singer saying she’s 25 but is feeling discontent and confusion. She cries as a form of relief because she feels a little peculiar. In the morning she steps outside and yells “what’s going on?” She tries in this institution (which many think means the homophobic and sexist aspects of American) and she calls for a revolution. Since 1993, in many ways we have seen a revolution that is overturning many aspects of the homophobic restrictions that had gay people feeling stuck in an institution rather than able to fully be themselves.

1993 - Go West : Pet Shop Boys - This is a remake of the song by the Village People which imagines a utopia free of homophobia and discrimination. It’s a song of queer community & spirit, and we’ll all do it “Together!”

1993 - Come to my Window : Melissa Etheridge - Melissa came out publicly coming out as a lesbian and then released an album titled “Yes, I Am.” This song from the album is about a secret love. “Come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon.” Certainly many gay people know about keeping a love on the down low. The song’s bridge really voices what a lot of queer people feel: “I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. What do they know about this love, anyway?”

1993 - Hero : Mariah Carey - The song has a message that really speak to LGBTQ people. Inside of every person is the ability to be your own hero. looking to yourself & finding the inner courage to be strong & believe in yourself through the hard ties. ”There's a hero if you look inside your heart. You don't have to be afraid of what you are.” And it goes on to speak about casting aside your fears and surviving and finding love within yourself. Btw, in 2016 Mariah was honored by GLAAD with the Ally Award, and she gave her definition of LGBTQ--”L: legendary. G: gorgeous. B: beautiful — all of you beautiful people! T: tantalizing, and even Q for quality!"

1994 - Streets of Philadelphia : Bruce Springsteen - Bruce wrote this haunting song for the film Philadelphia, which was about a lawyer who was fired for being gay & having HIV. This song is about a man dying of AIDS. The lyrics begin with him seeing his reflection, but the disease has given him lesions & he’s lost so much weight that he doesn’t even recognize his reflection. “Oh brother, are you gonna leave me wastin’ away on the streets of Philadelphia?” This line is asking how society could turn its back on those who need help the most, even here in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love. As he’s walking the streets, he is thinking of friends who had died from AIDS. He can hear the blood pulsing in his veins, and he describes it as black, because HIV/AIDS is an infection of the blood and the disease is (figuratively) black and deadly. 

1995 - I Kissed a Girl : Jill Sobule - A song of yearning, confusion, and freedom

1995 - Queer : Garbage - The term “queer” in these lyrics meant odd or different, but Garbage is very open to the queer community and how we use that word.

1996 – Jesus to a Child : George Michael - The melancholy song is a tribute to Michael’s Brazilian lover Anselmo Feleppa. Feleppa died from an AIDS-related brain hemorrhage. The song’s rhythm and harmony is influenced by the Brazilian bossa nova style. Michael would always dedicate the song to Feleppa before performing it live.

1996 - Fastlove : George Michael - A guy was in a committed relationship that didn’t work out and now he just wants to not worry about love. “Had some bad love, so fast love is all that’s on my mind.” But even as he’s saying he’s seeking a casual hookup, keeps saying he misses his baby, being with someone he loves would be his preference.

1996 – Seasons of Love : Cast from the musical Rent  - What is the proper way is to measure the value of a year in human life? The most effective way is to “measure in love”. Since four of the lead characters have HIV or AIDS, the song is often associated with World AIDS Day and AIDS awareness month.

1997 - Go the Distance : Michael Bolton- This song from the Disney movie Hercules is about not belonging and declaring that no matter what struggles lie ahead, I’m going to find my place in the world. That's definitely inspiring.

1997 - You Have Been Loved : George Michael - George Michael wrote this song about Anselmo Feleppa, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1993. The beginning of the song describes Anselmo’s mother, who visits his grave. The first chorus has Anselmo’s mother saying goodbye, telling him “You have been loved.” The ending chorus has Anselmo dying, telling George, “You have been loved.” The line, “If I was weak, forgive me; but I was terrified,” refers to the trauma George felt during Anselmo’s decline in health. While an intense song about grief and death, it also involves a spiritual struggle. Anselmo and his mother both say that God is not dead, George counters by challenging God. “What’s the use in pressing palms, if you [God] won’t keep such love from harm? It’s a cruel world. You’ve so much to prove.”

1997 - Come On, Eileen : Save Ferris - This is a remake of the 1982 hit by  Dexys Midnight Runners which was about getting a school girl to overcome her Catholic repression and begin a romantic (and possibly sexual) relationship. Only now a woman is singing about Eileen and that makes it a queer song.

1997 - Together Again : Janet Jackson - The album notes included: “I dedicate the song ‘Together Again’ to the friends I’ve lost to AIDS.” It’s a sweet song with hopeful words. “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smilin’ back at me”

1998 - Diva : Dana International - Dana is a transgender woman who won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. It was the first major celebration of a trans artist on an international stage. Dana’s representation of her country Israel created a furor among Israel’s Orthodox Jewish community. After her win, she addressed her detractors. “My victory proves God is on my side,” read her statement. “I want to send my critics a message of forgiveness: try to accept me. I am what I am.” She was a beacon that many LGBTQ people in Israel list as their first hope that things could get better, that it is okay to be queer.

1998 - Reflection : Christina Aguilera - This song from the Disney movie Mulan is about how others don’t know the real you, which means the lyrics can fit the experience of being in the closet. “Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me. Every day it’s as if I play a part.” The song also is adopted by a lot of trans people because how they feel on the inside doesn’t match how they look on the outside. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

1998 - Believe : Cher - Whatever happens, you’ve gotta believe there’s something better coming. Keep going and loving, because the next love will be better. It’s about strength and power and hope. And the fact that it’s not always easy to be who you are.

1998 - Outside : George Michael - George Michael was entrapped by police committing a lewd act in a public men’s bathroom in Los Angeles under suspicious circumstances. The video mocks the way queer men are held to different standards about sex--many couples were caught getting frisky, but the gay couples are the ones arrested.  

1999 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman : Shania Twain - This is about going out, letting down your hair and having a good time. The message is she loves being a woman. “The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun.” My queer friends who identify as women love feeling like a woman.

1999 - There She Goes : Sixpence None the Richer - It’s surprising that a Christian band with a female singer does a song about being attracted to a woman who you just can’t get out of your brain. “There she goes. There she goes again. Racing through my brain. And I just can’t contain this feeling that remains.” 

1999 - When She Loved Me : Sarah McLachlan - This is from Toy Story 2, if you remove the idea this is about a toy, the lyrics are about a woman reminiscing a past female love.

2000 - It’s Not Right But It’s Okay (Thunderpuss mix) : Whitney Houston - “I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna be alright” shows a certain defiance & determination to go on, a message that strikes a chord with LGBTQ people

2000 - Stronger : Britney -  This is a declaration of independence and self-empowerment. “You might think that I won't make it on my own, but now I'm stronger than yesterday.” Those are lyrics that queer people can embrace. We always can use an empowering dance song.

2001 - Androgyny : Garbage - I think this song has two messages. First, don’t dismiss people who don’t fit traditional gender roles. The other message is about trans individuals who “can’t see the point in going on,” they’re reminded that “nothing in life is set in stone, there’s nothing that can’t be turned around.” Trans individuals who were assigned female at birth may consider themselves “boys in the girls room.” Then when they decide to present themselves as male, others may consider them to be “girls in the men’s room.”

2001 - I Want Love : Elton John - This song is about a man who’s gone through some hard times, lost love, and as a result has built up some scars around his heart, but yet he wants love. Elton was mid-30′s at the time the song was released, which is a time a lot of people look at their life and want someone to settle down with, want a deeper connection with someone they can trust and have a long-lasting relationship.

2002 - Cherry Lips : Garbage - This song is inspired by a fictional trans woman. “Cherry Lips” talks about a boy looking like a girl who makes the whole world want to dance.

2002 - Beautiful : Christina Aguilera - This song affirms those who feel they don’t fit in. The video includes young people with body issues, a goth punk, a person assigned male at birth putting on women’s clothes and two guys kissing in public. “I am beautiful no matter what they say. Words can’t bring me down.” But songs can lift you up, and this one does.  

2003 – Defying Gravity : Idina Menzel – In this song from the musical Wicked, the character Elphaba sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. Plenty of queer people can relate.

2003 - Gay Bar : Electric Six - The words are straight forward, “I wanna take you to a gay bar.” The music video is nuts, lead singer Dick Valentine portrays Abraham Lincoln in the White House getting increasingly ready for the gay bar--loses the pants, exercises, takes a bath, wears bdsm leather. 

2003- If You Were Gay : Cast from the musical Avenue Q - An irreverent musical using puppets had this song between the characters that resemble Sesame Street’s Bert & Ernie. It’s about how a closeted person may have trouble accepting themselves, even if their friend is affirming. This performance of the song by the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus is delightful.

2003 – Me Against the Music : Britney Spears and Madonna - The music video shows Spears and Madonna playing opposites in a nightclub. A cat-and-mouse chase ensues, and Spears finds Madonna in the end, only for the latter to disappear just before they kiss.

2004 - Toxic : Britney Spears - This song is basically a girl addicted to a guy and she’ll do anything to get what she wants, and the taste of his lips is intoxicating. Idk why this became such an anthem in the LGBT community other than in the early 2000′s Britney’s presence in pop culture was dominant, and she was a supporter of the queer community, and each song she put out was more empowering, sexually playful, along with a sense of vulnerability. I think for a lot of bi & lesbian women, Britney played some part in their sexual awakening. Plus there’s a stereotype that gay people walk quickly, that’s because we have Toxic by Britney Spears (143 bpm) playing in our heads. 

2004 - Amazing : George Michael - After the painful and sudden death of his beloved Anselmo, George started a new relationship with Kenny. During that time, George’s mom was fighting cancer and Kenny was there for him. To be able to comfort a person in their time of grief and come out of it closer, that’s Amazing

2004 - Proud of Your Boy : Clay Aiken - This song was written for Aladdin and the words make me think of coming out and worrying what your parents are going to think and will they still be “proud of [their] boy”? Clay came out as gay a few years later in 2008.

2005 - Hung Up : Madonna -  It’s about living your best life and not wasting anymore time on men who wont call you. And it has that synthesizer riff from ABBA’s Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)

2006 - And I am Telling You : Jennifer Hudson - This song is about an underdog, and being LGBTQ makes us underdogs in our heteronormative society. “And I am telling you that I’m not going.” I’m going to be here and I’m going to thrive, I’m going to be me and you’re going to see me and “You’re Gonna Love Me.” 

2007 - Grace Kelly : MIKA - Mika wrote the song after he felt frustrated with record label executives who wanted him to change his sound to be more like another pop singer. Mika wrote “Grace Kelly” to reject pretending be someone else to win approval – in this case the glamorous actress Grace Kelly, or he “could channel a little Freddie” Mercury. Refusing to change who you are to find acceptance is the stuff gay anthems are made of. We love Mika because he’s authentically queer and has no interest in conforming and instead is his flamboyant self

2007 - Billy Brown : MIKA - It was all going according to plan for Billy Brown: he had a wife, two kids and a dog. Then he fell in love with another man.

2007 - Sweet Dreams : MIKA - Mika covers this 1983 Eurythmics’ anthem of resilience. The Eurythmics singer Annie Lennox was seen as something of a gender bender thanks to her buzz cut & men’s suits. This song acknowledges that sometimes life is hard, some people want to use or abuse you, but “hold your head up,” and keep moving on and you’re sure to leave the nightmare for a sweet dream.

2007 - I Don’t Dance : Corbin Bleu & Lucas Grabeel - This song from High School Musical 2 is where Chad, co-president of the drama club, is trying to get Ryan, co-president of the basketball team, to “swing” to the other side, if you know what I mean. The scene in the movie is about playing baseball, and at the end of it, the two of them are sitting together wearing the other’s clothes. Guess Chad got Ryan to swing.  

2008 - Talk About Love : MIKA - Super catchy chorus, he’s fallen in love and now all he wants to talk about is his new love.

2008 - Just Dance : Lady Gaga - This is Gaga’s first hit and she tells herself to just dance and everything will be okay. Whatever hard things are going on in our life, sometimes we have to take a break from them, and dance. Lady Gaga performed this at the inaugural NewNowNext Awards, which were broadcast on the Logo network in June 2008. Logo is targeted to the gay community

2008 - I Kissed a Girl : Katy Perry - Katy has a boyfriend, but she kissed a girl and liked it. Don’t pretend you don’t want to run to the nearest drugstore for some new cherry chapstick after listening to this song. This song isn’t about being bi, it’s about experimenting.  

2008 - Poker Face : Lady Gaga - “Poker Face” is all about masking your sexuality. During a performance in 2009, Gaga explained that the song dealt with her personal experience with bisexuality. When she’s with a man but fantasizing about a woman, she’s got a “Poker Face” so he won’t know what is going through her mind.

2009 - Cover Girl : RuPaul - The theme song to the RuPaul’s Drag Race TV show which brought Drag performance and culture to the masses.  

2009 - You Belong with Me : Taylor Swift - Not 👏 a 👏 single 👏 male 👏 pronoun 👏 in 👏 sight! The singer is pining over her close friend, who is dating a girl who doesn’t really get them. There’s nothing stopping us from reading this as a girl crushing on her gay best friend.

2009 - Bulletproof : La Roux - Everyone was asking if singer Elly Jackson was a lesbian or bi and she was vague in answering. She had a girlfriend but was worried what coming out would mean for her career. She still doesn’t like labels, she feels androgynous but more feminine than masculine, and she doesn’t call herself “gay”, “straight” or “bisexual.” However, she says "if people want to hold me up as a gay role model, absolutely, I’m proud to be that, but I don’t feel the need to say that I’m gay to do it.” The song is about a girl who has been through a lot of bad relationships and hopes that "next time maybe, I'll be bulletproof" meaning she hopes she doesn't get hurt in the next relationship she's in.

2009 - Bad Romance : Lady Gaga - First, it’s gender neutral so any of us can sing without translating pronouns. Second, it’s about loving someone completely, including their “bad” parts, “I want your ugly, i want your disease.” Third, Lady Gaga showed up to the 2010 MTV Music Awards w/ four members of the U.S. military who had been discharged or resigned because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy. When she went on stage to receive the Video of the Year award for “Bad Romance,” Gaga wore the now-infamous “meat dress,” as a way to show her anger about the military’s anti-LGBTQ policy. “If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.”

2009 - Whataya Want From Me : Adam Lambert - I wonder if this song is referencing when he was figuring out his sexuality with words like “Yeah, it’s plain to see, baby you’re beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s me, I’m a freak.”

2010 - Cold War : Janelle Monáe - The song starts off saying “being alone's the only way to be. When you step outside, you spend life fighting for your sanity.” The chorus is how this is a cold war and knowing what you’re fighting for. Then there’s a bridge about strengthening the weak and if we unite and have faith in love then the mighty will crumble. This is followed by “I was made to believe there was something wrong with me.” So powerful. Alone we feel weak and need to hide, but united we are strong. Janelle has said this and additional songs about being the “other” can be about being a lesbian or being a gay man or being a black woman.

2010 - If I Had You : Adam Lambert - I love how the beginning sounds like Adam is going out to a gay club “So I got my boots on, got the right amount of leather, and I’m doing me up with a black color liner, and I’m working my strut.” Not the way we usually hear about a guy getting ready for a night out  

2010 - Dancing on my Own : Robyn - It’s a break up song. “Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can?” But with a great dance beat like this, it’s a sure bet Robyn won’t be dancing on her own for long.

2010 - All the Lovers : Kylie Minogue - A feel-good dance track about love. The video has people strip down to their underwear, form a pyramid and begin kissing. All sorts of people kissing, very pansexual.  

2010 - Mine : Taylor Swift - This is a song about a careless man’s careful daughter going off to college and falling in love with a small town waitress. That’s it. That’s the song.

2010 - Ice Cream Truck : Cazwell - This is something of a guilty pleasure. It’s a cute, simple and upbeat 1980’s-style hip-hop summer anthem that conveys happiness about being gay. I would describe the video as delightfully raunchy, a bunch of shirtless male dancers licking their popsicles (and a couple of butts also make an appearance)

2010 - Raise Your Glass : P!nk - The song is a call to the underdogs of the world, the “loud and nitty-gritty dirty little freaks,” to ignore convention and just let loose. Lyrics like these are so relatable: “So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs.” Plus, the video has her singing at a gay wedding.

2010 - We R Who We R : Ke$ha - After a news story that bullying led to multiple suicides of gay youth, Ke$ha wrote this song in hopes that it would become a Pride anthem. The song is intended to inspire people to be themselves, and as a celebration of anyone deemed quirky or eccentric. Kesha was upset people have to hide themselves and pretend to be someone other than who they are in order to be safe.

2010 - Firework : Katy Perry - Everyone is a firework–an ordinary, ugly, or insignificant wrapping but in the right situation, they ignite and show how amazing, extraordinary, and beautiful each of us is. No wonder it’s loved by the queer community, once we come out, others see we’re bright and beautiful. The video features a scene in which two boys passionately kiss. And the lyrics “after the hurricane comes a rainbow” fits because rainbows are tied to the LGBTQ community. Katy Perry dedicated this song to the “It Gets Better” video campaign aimed at gay youth who may feel alone or suicidal. 

2010 - Teenage Dream : Glee Cast - This song being sung by one boy for another was a big moment on a big TV show.

2010 - F**kin’ Perfect : P!nk - With all the negative messages we grow up hearing about our gender identity or sexual orientation, it’s so affirming to hear “Don’t you ever ever feel like your less than, less than perfect”

2011 - Born This Way : Lady Gaga - Many songs hint at queer identities and acceptance by using metaphors, but not this one, it is direct. “No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender life, I’m on the right track, baby, I was born to survive.”

2011 – Mean : Taylor Swift – This is an anti-bullying public service announcement. Even more than others, Queer kids are subject to bullying, so a song addressing the topic resonates. And then there’s a lyric about moving to the big city, which for us can be understood as a place where it’s safe to be gay. “Someday I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever going to be is mean.”

2011 - Americano : Lady Gaga - This song is about the unjust laws that exist in America, particularly regarding immigration and gay rights. The scenario is she falls in love with a girl from East L.A. (heavily Hispanic population) but can’t marry due to the laws prohibiting gay marriage. As to the “I don’t speak your Americano, I don’t speak your language oh no, I don’t speak your Jesus Cristo” I think it’s rejecting the religious rhetoric used to justify the laws.

2011 – Call Me Maybe : Carly Rae Jepsen - The video begins with Carly Rae spying on her attractive neighbor as he is working on his lawn. She tries to get his attention with various provocative poses only for her neighbor to give his phone number to Carly Rae’s male band mate

2011 - We Found Love : Rihanna - Finding love in a hopeless place, for many queer people this can be what it’s like in a heteronormative society, or when we’re in the closet and find someone. Or also that hard transition to accept & love yourself, and then going from that to hoping to find someone.

2011 - Take a Bow : Matt Alber - A beautiful, heartfelt cover of the 1994 Madonna song with just a guitar for accompaniment. With an openly gay man singing the words, it transforms this into a gay love song.

2011 – Titanium : David Guetta feat. Sia – The openly queer singer Sia wrote this song about enduring everything the world throws at you and coming out stronger

2012 - Starships : Nikki Minaj - The lyric "starships are meant to fly," is a line about reaching one's full potential in life. A great song to sing when needing motivation to just go for it and not let other people’s ideas or judgements box you in. Nikki has been an ally to the queer community. On MTV she encouraged her gay fans to be fighters and to be brave, and she canceled a concert in Saudi Arabia to show support for women and LGBT+ people in the country.

2012 – Thinkin About You : Frank Ocean – Just before this song was released, Frank Ocean came out. There haven’t been many hip-hop stars who are openly gay. And it got me wondering who it is he’s been thinking about?

2012 - Same Love : Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - I have a nephew who got called gay for wearing stylish clothes, being neat, and interested in art & music. He had a hard time accepting that his uncle (me) is gay because of his experience, and it made me think of this song.

2012 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) : Matt Alber - A gay man singing the big Whitney Houston hit about wanting to dance with someone.

2012 - Wings : Little Mix - Little Mix is a British girl band well-known for being LGBTQ Allies and including LGBTQ themes in their songs. Wings is about believing in yourself and not letting anyone put you down, a message that resonates with their LGBTQ fans.

2012 - Let’s have a Kiki : Scissor Sisters -  A drag performer is heading out to put on a show, but when she arrives at the club it’s been shut down by the police. So she calls up a friend and announces “We’re coming over and having a kiki.”

2012 - Closer : Tegan and Sara - Not many bands are made up of twin lesbian sisters. This song is really cute. The lyrics are about the anticipation before the kiss, before anything gets physical. 

2012 - For All : Far East Movement - As the fight for marriage equality was taking place, this group sang “Love is for all. Life is for all. Dreams are for all. Hope is for all. Feel the love from everybody in the crowd now, this is for y’all, this is for all.” The video intersperses some uplifting words from President Obama.

2012 - They Don’t Know About Us : One Direction - People tell a couple they shouldn’t be together and that their love isn’t real. Sound like something a queer couple might hear? In the song, no one can stop them, they’re together for life. Also, people thought this song might have been hinting about Larry Stylinson (Louis & Harry).

2012 – Somebody Loves You : Betty Who - The song keeps saying “somebody loves you,” and that somebody is the person singing the song. Most people discovered this song from a viral video of a gay marriage proposal at a Salt Lake City Home Depot

2013 - Lay Me Down : Sam Smith - A melancholy song with a video to match of a husband being buried and Sam saying to also Lay Me Down. But then Sam reminisces about a happier, more blissful time–their gay wedding that was held at the same church.

2013 - People Like Us : Kelly Clarkson - the song is about all the people who are brave enough to challenge the social norms to bring about change in the world. These words in particular strike me, “this is the life that we choose” and “come out, come out if you dare.”

2013 - Popular Song : MIKA feat. Ariana Grande - This is an imaginative updating of the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked. The lyrics are about how being popular and cool in school isn’t enough, and those who bullied others grow up to not be so popular. In other words, the tables will turn, you’ll need more to be successful than being popular. 

2013 - Brave : Sara Bareilles - Sara wrote this song of courage as a love letter to a friend who was struggling as an adult to come out as gay.

2013 - Q.U.E.E.N. : Janelle Monáe - The title is an acronym for Queer, Untouchables, Emigrants, Excommunicated, and Negroid. The song is about the empowerment of oppressed people. Monáe uses a question-answer format to explain stereotypes, misconceptions, and oppression.

2013 - Cameron : Jilette Johnson - The song is inspired by a real life Cameron the singer knew & loved. Cameron is a young gender-non-conforming person who isn’t accepted by their family or society. The singer repeats, over and over, that Cameron isn’t the alien the world thinks they are – “Cameron, you’re a star, a light where there is dark. And you’re a hundred times a woman, a hundred times the man that they are.”  

2013 - All Night : Icona Pop - The song is about expressing yourself, and that life gets better and we will find ourselves dancing. The video is about the LGBT house ballroom subculture.

2013 - She Keeps Me Warm : Mary Lambert - A beautiful song about how women can love each other, protect each other and desire each other. And the lyrics “not crying on Sundays,” I think means not believing the damning words preached by religion about being gay

2013 – Take Me to Church : Hozier - This is a ode to worshiping in the bedroom. Hozier is an outspoken LGBTQ ally and the music video depicts two gay men being ripped apart by homophobic violence in Russia. It brought international attention to the anti-gay laws in Russia.

2013 - Work Bitch : Britney Spears - The things you want in life are attainable but you gotta focus and work. Britney wrote this song with her gay friends in mind. “I don’t call everyone… that word. I just use it as, it’s like in respect to the gays as a term of endearment.”

2013 - Girls/Girls/Boys : Panic! At the Disco - There is a love triangle between a boy and two girls, and the boy is being played off against a girl for the other girl’s attention. Pansexual rock star Brendon Urie sings “Girls love girls and boys. Love is not a choice.”

2013 - Follow Your Arrow : Kacey Musgraves - “kiss lots of boys – or kiss lots of girls, if that’s something you’re into.” It's sad that a one-liner about kissing whoever you like is still controversial in Country music today, but I love her poking holes in that genre’s homophobia.

2013 - Let It Go : Idina Menzel - From the movie Frozen, this song says to abandon the fear and shame, be yourself, be powerful. The lyrics could almost come from an It Gets Better video about embracing who you are. And these lines are how it feels after some time has passed and we look back at our coming out experience: “It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all”

2014 - Sleeping with a Friend : Neon Trees - Glenn Tyler says he was thinking of a straight male friend when he wrote this (but used female pronouns in the song). It’s an unusual love song because it’s a cautionary tale of hooking up with someone you’re close with.

2014 - Rise Like a Phoenix - Conchita Wurst - The lyrics are about combating prejudice and the judgement of others in modern society. Conchita won Eurovision singing this song while wearing a gown, makeup and a beard.

2014 – Stay With Me : Sam Smith – One night Sam fell for someone, but they didn't feel the same. Good ol’ unrequited love. Sam used this music video to come out as gay by admitting the person being sung about is a man.

2014 - Sissy that Walk : RuPaul - A perfect walkway song for all those drag queens, and any of the rest of us, who want to strut what we got

2014 - Really Don’t Care : Demi Levato - The video starts off with Lovato expressing her support for the LGBTQ community and saying that “My Jesus loves all.” The music starts and Levato is singing at a Pride parade. Demi said “When I thought of the lyrics ‘really don’t care’, it made me think of bullying, and made me think of the LGBTQ community, who deal with that so often, but they accept themselves.”

2014 - Break Free : Ariana Grande feat. Zedd - Ariana’s older brother is gay and she grew up around his friends, she’s an ally. And the words of this song, “I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free ’cause I can’t resist it no more” has the theme often found in gay anthems--that things are tough, but I’m tougher and going to make it. Breaking free of what the world wants you to be to become who you truly are has made this song a coming-out anthem.  

2014 - Secrets : Mary Lambert - We grow up hiding things about ourselves, we all have secrets, but how much better when we don’t care if the world knows our secrets. “They tell us from the time we’re young to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else. Well I’m over it”

2014 - Feeling Good : George Michael - This is the final song released by George before his death. It expresses a particular kind of joy which comes with liberation from oppression. Nina Simone’s stunning vocal performance of this song in the 1960’s during the Civil Rights movement made it a manifesto of that movement’s burning desire for freedom. And then here is George Michael, a gay man, and the song is born again as a desire for the queer community to be liberated from oppression.

2014 - Centuries : Fall Out Boy - Peter Wentz, one of the co-writers of this song, says the idea is a “David vs.Goliath story” meant to empower people who are a little weird. Justin Tranter, another of the co-writers, revealed in 2018 that trans pioneer Marsha P. Johnson was the inspiration for the song. When making the announcement, Tranter said, “I want every LGBTQ person to know that our ideas are mainstream. We have stories to tell and people will f*cking listen”

2014 - Put ‘Em Up : Priory - The song begins with a religious mom saying her trans kid has some kind of sickness. The mom may not be happy, but “we're hangin' with the boys that look like girls tonight” and “we're hangin' with the girls that look like boys alright”. The video features trans & gay people.

2014 - Jessie’s Girl : Mary Lambert - This is a remake of the 1981 hit song by Rick Springfield, but now it’s a woman longing for Jessie’s girl.

2014 - First Time He Kissed a Boy : Kadie Elder - This is about recognizing your sexual orientation at a young age and the difficulties that can follow. Being a teen isn’t easy and the choices teens have to make aren’t easy, but if you are brave enough and stand up for yourself, you might shock others but you might also become happy. It has a gay-positive video that tells the story in a touching way.

2014 - Welcome to New York : Taylor Swift - An insecure girl falls in love with a city where you can want who you want. “When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors, took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer. Everybody here was someone else before, and you can want who you want: boys and boys and girls and girls”

2014 - Little Game : Benny - Many people may know Benny from his YouTube channel. Little Games is about the ways in which rigid concepts of gender still dictate our behavior today. I think the creepy and catchy melody & video are a good match for the lyrics “play our little game"  

2015 - All-American Boy : Steve Grand - A Country song that tells the story of a gay young man in love with a straight male friend.

2015 - Don’t Wait : Joey Graceffa -  Joey is a well-known YouTube personality and with this song he came out. The song says to not wait for the world to get ready but to go explore and find what you’re looking for. The video is the adorable queer fairy tale we’ve all been waiting for. I love these lyrics, “The darkness can be such a lonely place on your own, I’ll be your compass so you’ll never feel alone.”

2015 - Calling Me : Aquilo - Growing up, we all grapple with who we are and who we want to become. We all go through a period of being unsure of our personality, creativity and perhaps even our sexuality. We have to battle to not be defined by what others think of us, but to believe in ourselves. It’s a battle we’ve all had to fight. In the video, the singer learns to stay strong, keep his head high and accept who he is, even if others can’t.

2015 - Good Guys : MIKA - Mika plays off the 1997 Paula Cole hit “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone” but instead asks “Where have all the gay guys gone?“  Mika shifts “gay guys” to “good guys” and lists his queer heroes who helped him get to where he is, while also looking forward to what the future holds for the LGBTQ community.  

2015 - Body was Made : Ezra Furman -  Ezra says this “is a protest song against the people and forces that would make me ashamed of my body, my gender and my sexuality.” This song’s message is taking ownership of your own body and identity, and not letting anybody else interfere with that. Furman identifies as trans and bisexual, and uses he/him and she/her pronouns

2015 - No Place in Heaven : MIKA - He’s singing about how there’s no place in heaven for gay people. “Father, won’t you forgive me for my sins? Father, if there’s a heaven let me in”

2015 - Girls Like Girls : Hayley Kiyoko - This was Hayley’s unofficial coming out as a lesbian and in this song she sings that “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new” The video has some images of violence as a boy is angry that his girlfriend likes girls, but in the end the lesbians win.

2015 - Cool for the Summer : Demi Levato - She is curious and has a woman she’s gonna spend the summer exploring with. “Got a taste for the cherry and I just need to take a bite.”

2015 – Run Away with Me : Carly Rae Jepson - Carly Rae sings about getting away with someone for the weekend. Whether it’s just that your schedules have kept you busy or you have to keep this secret (“I’ll be your sinner in secret”), it’s very romantic. Oh, and lack of gendered pronouns makes it even more relatable to the queer community.

2015 - Alive : Sia - The song is about someone who had a tough life, but says “I’m still breathing, I’m alive.” It is the personification of resilience and perseverance.

2015 - Youth : Troye Sivan - It’s a really beautiful song about giving the best years of yourself to someone you love. The video features gay couples.

2015 - Genghis Khan : Mike Snow - This video surprised me the first time I saw it. A James Bond-type hero & villain fall for each other.  

2016 - Unstoppable : Sia - Instead of just surviving, Sia is going to prove to people that she’s going to succeed. And like her, this song helps us put our armor on so we also feel strong and get through the day and smash through barricades.

2016 - Secret Love Song : Little Mix - Secret Love Song could be heard as being about the struggles faced by LGBTQ people when coming to terms with their sexuality and showing affection in public. I especially like the Secret Love Song, Part II version as the video makes clear the LGBTQ meaning.

2016 – Formation : Beyoncé – At the GLAAAD Media Awards, Beyoncé used the lyrics from this Black-power anthem to advocate for gay rights when she said “LGBTQIA rights are human rights. To choose who you love is your human right. How you identify and see yourself is your human right. Who you make love to and take that ass to Red Lobster is your human right,”

2016 - Son of a Preacher Man : Tom Goss - This 1968 song gets a surprising gay update. The video tells the story of two gay teens struggling to understand their sexuality and feelings for one another while operating within the confines of an evangelical church.

2016 - Boyfriend : Tegan and Sara - This song tells the exhausting story of someone you’re basically dating, but they won’t come out in the open and admit it because they’re scared, confused, and insecure about their sexuality. “I don’t wanna be your secret anymore.”

2016 - I Am What I Am : Ginger Minj - This song is from a Broadway show about drag queens. The message is you only get one life so take your shots, whether or not they succeed, it’s better to live your life authentically as who you are. And I love this video featuring Drag Queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

2016 - The Greatest : Sia - Dedicated to the LGBTQ community in the wake of the Pulse shooting, Sia begs us to not give up and to still follow our dreams. The video features 49 dancers, one for each victim of the shooting. The song celebrates the spirit of being defiant and trying to be the best you can be in the face of adversity, which is something the LGBTQ community have managed to do for many decades. Yet despite the uplifting, catchy music and lyrics, there’s also a sense of tragedy about how that spirit and potential came to an abrupt end for the victims of the shooting.

2016 - G.D.M.M.L. Grls : Tyler Glenn - Despite the best efforts by this gay man to make church work, it didn’t work out because God Didn’t Make Me Like Girls.

2016 - Heaven : Troye Sivan feat. Betty Who - Troye sings candidly about what it’s like for a religious teenager to come out as gay. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven? Without changing a part of me, how do I get to heaven? All my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken, oh, so if I’m losing a piece of me, maybe I don’t want heaven?” Troye explains “When I first started to realise that I might be gay, I had to ask myself all these questions—these really really terrifying questions. Am I ever going to find someone? Am I ever going to be able to have a family? If there is a God, does that God hate? If there is a heaven, am I ever going to make it to heaven?” The video features footage from LGBTQ protests throughout history.

2016 - Devil : Tyler Glenn - A song that highlights the conflict between religious belief and queerness. “I found myself when I lost my faith” and not being able to “pray the gay away.” The constant in his world, what he’s anchoring himself to, is that his mom still loves him, and I love that because studies show the acceptance & love of a parent makes a huge difference when someone comes out.  

2016 - Midnight : Tyler Glenn - The Neon Trees frontman gives an emotional song about his departure from the Mormon church, but not from God. The ballad is accompanied by a video that shows Glenn removing his religious garments and replacing them with a glittering jacket.

2016 – I Know a Place : MUNA – This is a song of safety & nonviolence, which is important to the LGBTQ community as there’s many times we don’t feel safe being open about who we are and who we love. All three members of MUNA are queer. This song came out around the time of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando which shattered that feeling of safety people thought they had in queer bars, clubs and spaces where we don’t have to hide who we are and should be free to be ourselves.

2016 - Boys Will Be Boys : Benny - The phrase “Boys will be boys” is typically used to excuse toxic masculinity, but this song turns it on its head. Benny wants “boys will be boys” to mean each person is different and doesn’t need to follow specific gender roles. Whatever a boy is, that’s what a boy will be.  

2017 - Believer : Imagine Dragons - The adversity you come across in life is what helps you grow to become a “believer” in yourself. "Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain / My life, my love, my drive, it came from / Pain / You made me a, you made me a believer, believer." This song was being written around the time of the election of Donald Trump, and one of the co-writers, Justin Tranter, expressed fear about the future. This song is the result--speak our truth no matter what comes our way.

2017 - You Will Be Found : Ben Platt - This song from Dear Evan Hansen means a lot to me. There’s a gay teen who says this is our song because I found him when he most needed help. But for everyone, this song is hopeful that when you need it, someone will be there for you.

2017 - Symphony : Clean Bandit - As a musician, I really like the imagery of the lyrics--Before all I heard was silence by now with you I’m hearing symphonies, “And now your song is on repeat, and I’m dancin’ on to your heartbeat. And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete.” The video shows a loving queer black couple torn apart by catastrophe and a reminder that music & art are a way for us to deal with grief and celebrate our loved ones.  

2017 - 1-800-273-8255 : Logic - This is a song about a closeted guy who is suicidal and calls a help line. The operator wants him to be alive and helps save him in that moment.

2017 - Bad Liar : Selena Gomez - The video portrays a love triangle (with each character played by Selena)–a curious high school student, seductive gym coach and a male teacher. Towards the end of the video, the high school student sings the line, “With my feelings on fire, guess I’m a bad liar,” as she looks at a photo of the gym teacher. It’s a scene that shows the fear & bravery of acknowledging and declaring our sexuality—a moment many queer people know

2017 - Love is Love is Love : LeeAnn Rimes - This song celebrates the LGBTQ community. Rimes said that “A ‘Pride’ celebration is a living thing. It is breathing authenticity. It’s a space we hold for one another, a place to come into what our souls move us to be, it’s a place in love and only love,” adding “That’s why the LGBTQ community continues to inspire me and enliven my spirit every time I perform for them.”

2017 - Swish Swish : Katy Perry - A song about fighting against bullies, “Swish Swish” uses basketball metaphors to talk about overcoming hateful people and thriving. That’s a theme that LGBTQ+ people can identify with.

2017 - If They Only Knew : Alfie Arcuri - The song is of a previous relationship where Arcuri’s ex-partner’s parents didn’t know he was gay. Arcuri explained “We were together for a couple of years and half way through the relationship he came out. The song is almost like a diary entry for me telling his parents how innocent our love and relationship was because to them I was like the devil who turned their son gay. It wasn’t like that at all though, it was a beautiful love.” The video is a short film that shows one guy in the closet and his friend helping him see it’s okay to be gay.

2017 - Power : Little Mix - Willam, Alaska and Courtney Act from RuPaul’s Drag Race are featured in this video. The song is about gender politics in a relationship.

2017 - Cut to the Feeling : Carly Rae Jepson - This is a song about liking someone and wanting to skip past all the awkward introductions and just get to the feelings where they’re being real with each other, dancing together and celebrating love. That already works as a queer song, and then add to it this viral video by Mark Kanemura. When she played at a Pride celebration, Carly Rae had Mark reenact his dance to the song 

2017 - The Village : Wrabel - Just because transphobia is common, it doesn’t mean it is right or that you are wrong. There’s a line in the song that hits me hard, “One line in the Bible isn’t worth a life.” And the video is beautiful, very poignant and it breaks my heart and gives me hope.

2017 - Heaven : State of Sound - A remake of the 1984 Bryan Adams song which was a standard love song of a boy and a girl. However, there were no gendered pronouns in the song and State of Sound’s video shows it works just as well for all sorts of queer couples

2017 - Bad at Love : Halsey - Halsey flips through all the guys and girls she’s dated in an attempt to understand why she hasn’t yet found love. Queen of bisexual relatability!

2017 - Feelings : Hayley Kiyoko - This song is about having a crush on someone. The video has Hayley chasing after a girl

2017 - This is Me : Keala Settle - The song from The Greatest Showman sings of resilience in the face of hardship — which, after all, is what Pride is all about. “Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in”

2017 - HIM : Sam Smith - This is a song about a boy in Mississippi coming out and the conflict between his sexuality and his religious upbringing and how he is grappling with the feeling that there’s no place in religion for him because he’s gay. And the “Him” being sung is used both for God and for a boy he likes.

2017 - A Million Dreams : P!nk - this song from The Greatest Showman is about the power of positive thinking, faith and believing in your dreams. For queer people, it’s a reminder that we are building a better world.

2017 - This is Me : Kesha - A great cover of the song from The Greatest Showman.

2018 - My My My! : Troye Sivan - Troye said “'My My My!’ is a song of liberation, freedom, and love. “Throw all inhibition to the wind, be present in your body, love wholeheartedly, move the way you’ve always wanted to, and dance the way you feel”  

2018 - Curious : Hayley Kiyoko - “Curious” is a term used in the LGBTQ community to express same-sex experimentation. In the song Hayley uses it to ask, “I’m just curious, is it serious?” Hayley says she wrote the song about a past relationship with a closeted woman, as well as various romantic experiences with women who were unsure about their sexuality

2018 - Perfect : Alex G - This cover of the Ed Sheeran song is beautiful. And because Alex doesn’t change the pronouns, it’s a very sweet lesbian love song.

2018 - Only You : Cheat Codes & Little Mix - A video with a lesbian mermaid? Yes, please!

2018 - Make Me Feel : Janelle Monáe - Sexuality is simply how a person makes you feel, regardless of gender. The music video for ”Make Me Feel” features Janelle crawling between women’s legs and grinding up on both a male and female love interest under bisexual lighting.

2018 - Sanctify : Years & Years - This song is about a relationship the singer had with a straight man. “On the one hand, the guy is struggling with his sexuality and feeling unable to express himself as anything other than straight while also desiring me. I’m on the other side feeling like both a sinner and saint or a devil and angel, leading this guy down a path of ‘sinfulness’ while, at the same time, helping him explore his sexuality.“

2018 - Kiss the Boy : Keiynan Lonsdale - While he doesn’t ascribe to a specific label in terms of his sexuality, Keiynan is openly attracted to both genders – and in Love, Simon, he played the enigmatic Blue, love interest of Simon. The video is adorable & super-inclusive

2018 - Never Been In Love : Will Jay - It’s such a great bop and I have loved Will Jay since his IM5 days, and this seems perfect for my ace/aro friends. “I’m not missing out so don’t ask me again. Thanks for your concern, but here’s the thing, I’ve never been in love and it’s all good”

2018 - PYNK : Janelle Monáe - Monáe says the color pink “unites all of humanity” because it is the color “found in the deepest and darkest nooks and crannies of humans everywhere.” The video finds Monáe and Tessa Thompson (her girlfriend at the time) along with a group of other women dancing in a desert, having a slumber party and sitting out by a pool while expressing appreciation for the vagina, including some iconic pussy pants. Truly a testament to the power of pink.

2018 - High Hopes : Panic! At the Disco - Brendon Urie says the uplifting message of “High Hopes” is “No matter how hard your dreams seem, keep going.” The lyrics say “It's uphill for oddities,” which is how it can feel being queer in a heteronormative world, but “don't give up, it's a little complicated.” It’s complicated but doable. Urie created the Highest Hopes Foundation, an organization that assists nonprofit organizations in human rights efforts across the globe. “I want to join in on the fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. This is dedicated to all people and communities who are subject to discrimination or abuse on the basis of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation and gender identity.” The foundation donated $1 million dollars to Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN) to establish Gay-Straight Alliance clubs at high schools across the United States.

2018 - All Things : Betty Who - This is the theme song for the wildly popular Netflix show Queer Eye.

2018 - Dance to This : Troye Sivan (feat. Ariana Grande) - According to Sivan, the song is about “that moment when you feel like you’ve been to enough house parties or events, and staying home, making out in the kitchen and cooking dinner sounds like a much, much better alternative”

2018 – Boys : Lizzo – Lizzo sings a song about all the boys she loves, and plenty of gay boys sing along and cheer when reaching the lyrics “From the playboys to the gay boys. Go and slay, boys, you my fave boys”

2018 - Promises : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - The music video is a glittery homage to vogueing and drag ballroom culture.

2018 - Bloom : Troye Sivan - Our first mainstream pop song about bottoming. This song is a thinly veiled description of Troye losing his virginity “I bloom, I bloom, just for you.” Or maybe it’s just about flowers.

2018 - No Matter What : Calum Scott - This is a lovely song about a son coming out to his mom and her responding that she loves him no matter what. “I just want you to be happy and always be who you are.” She wrapped her arms around me, said, "Don’t try to be what you’re not ‘cause I love you no matter what”

2018 - Old Town Road : Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus - Lil Nas had the biggest hit song ever and came out as gay, and now his choice in cowboy apparel makes sense

2019 - Juice : Lizzo - Lizzo’s message of radical self-love that celebrates the beauty of being different has earned her a huge queer following. Her work is inspired by the difficulty she felt growing up in a world that told her that she did not fit in. She now spreads a message of acceptance and love. “Juice,” is upbeat and fun, full of confidence-boosting lyrics. She made a video for “Juice,” featuring Drag Race alumni.

2019 - Rainbow : Kacey Musgrave - The song is about hope that the bad times will one day be over. Musgraves hopes it will serve as an anthem for those facing adversity, particularly in the LGBTQ community. “I feel a kinship and a friendship with that community. They really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things that I wasn’t aware of growing up in a small town in Texas. I will always be an ally and a strong supporter. ‘Rainbow’ is something that I can dedicate to that community, but also to anyone who has any kind of a weight on their shoulders."

2019 - ME! : Taylor Swift (feat. Brandon Urie) - This is a campy, bubbly song about embracing one’s individuality. "I’m the only one of me and that’s the fun of me.”

2019 - Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels : Todrick Hall - A fun song and video about being who you are and using that to strut and slay

2019 - Love Yourself : Sufjan Stevens - The lyrics are asking us to love ourselves and to show the reasons we believe in ourselves. I especially like this imagery “Make a shelf. Put all the things on that you believe in.” This song was specifically released for Pride month.

2019 - You Need to Calm Down : Taylor Swift - an entire verse that’s literally about going to a Pride parade. The video features a large number of celebrity cameos, many of whom are LGBTQ, including Queer Eye's Fab Five, figure skater Adam Rippon, singer Adam Lambert, television personality Ellen DeGeneres, entertainers Billy Porter and RuPaul, and numerous Drag Queens from  RuPaul's Drag Race who in the video impersonate famous women.

2019 - Higher Love : Kygo & Whitney Houston - Whitney recorded a cover of the Steve Winwood song “Higher Love,” but only released it in Japan. The Houston estate selected the DJ Kygo to remix Whitney’s version of the song. Kygo embued it with all the EDM sounds you’d expect from a 2019 dance song and debuted the song at Pride in New York City

2019 - American Boy : Years & Years - A cover of the Kanye & Estelle song, sung by Olly Alexander, a gay man, who is the lead singer for the band Years & Years. With Olly singing, this makes the song about one guy crushing on another guy  

2019 - Tiny Love : MIKA - Mika said that he wanted to capture the idea that love can feel enormous, "yet at the same time it’s so tiny and imperceivable to others.” True love is not “a sunrise over canyons shaped like hearts,” or “bursting into song in Central Park.” Rather, it’s “a ‘still-there-Monday-morning’ kind of love.”

2019 - I Rise : Madonna - This song was made specifically to honor the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, and to inspire marginalized people to stand up and fight. It is about resilience, of surviving and rising up from adversity. The video includes footage of Parkland H.S. shooting survivors, LGBTQ supporters, women’s rights protesters, Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman’s testimony about sexual abuse and other social justice movements

2019 - I Feel Love : Sam Smith - Sam remakes the 1977 classic from Donna Summer, a song about loving your body and your desires. The high notes on this song are so exciting  

2019 - Show Yourself : Idina Menzel, Evan Rachel Wood - This song from Frozen 2 is about Elsa being ready to be vulnerable and bare her soul. This song has been adopted by the queer community as a coming out anthem.

2019 - Believe : Adam Lambert - A remake of the 1998 song by Cher that is embraced by many LGBTQ people, and it’s absolutely gorgeous 

2020 - I’m Ready (with Demi Lovato) : Sam Smith - The song is about being ready for a new love. The video is basically the Glam Olympics 

[cincodenada]

So I am barely an armchair linguist, much less a conlanger, but I do like language a lot and am trans and have been deeply in queer/gendery circles for well over a decade now. I think OP's answer here is overall pretty great - a couple clarifications there:

First, as someone said in replies, "trans" doesn't actually come from "transition", it's literally a prefix meaning roughly "on the other side of" that is the opposite of cis ("on the same side of"). It's also used in fields like chemistry (trans- and cis-isomers) and astronomy (cislunar is between the earth and the moon, translunar is beyond).

Thus, "trans" is generally used as an umbrella term for anyone whose gender is different from what they were assigned at birth. Depending on how you slice it that covers most genderqueer/nonbinary/etc folks (since "neither man nor woman" is different from "man" or "woman"), and many (but certainly not all) of them would indeed describe themselves as trans.

A short sidenote on "having any doubt": while lots of people have doubts about their gender, genderqueer/nonbinary people are not definitionally uncertain about what their gender is, and many are in fact quite certain. They just are certain that their gender is not described well by either of the two boxes that our society/language provides. Genderfluid folks may shift how well those labels fit them over time, but they're not necessarily uncertain at any given point.

The group you're describing above are people like me, who are trans and do identify with "man" or "woman". Generally I've seen folks use "binary trans people" to make that distinction. And we are indeed generally covered by "man" or "woman" just fine, although as you note, folks vary on how much they consider transness itself as an important part of their gender - given choices of "man/woman/trans man/trans woman", I would choose "trans woman", but many trans folks would choose simply "man" or "woman".

Which is all to say: yes, all the polysemy, no one term is going to encompass the hugely diverse experiences people have with gender, and as far as I'm concerned, the fewer gendered boxes and structures a language has, the better. My gender confuses people enough that I get people using more-lumped terms when referring to me ("can you help...uhh...this person find the cat food?"), so that being the default would be great. The fewer times people have to guess what gender box to put me in, the better, really.

Another example: I'm learning ASL, and it doesn't have gendered pronouns at all - you mainly refer to people (present or not) by simply pointing. There is still gender in ASL still - "mother" and "father" are the same sign just in different places - but when I'm communicating in ASL, I generally don't know what gender people are assigning to me unless they're explicitly referring to me with a gendered role (man/woman, boy/girl, aunt/uncle, etc), and that happens a lot less often than pronouns do in English.

One interesting wrinkle I could see coming up in conlangs is that in a natural language, most people using the language know the rules of the language, either implicitly or explicitly, simply by virtue of being fluent in the language - so ingroups inventing/adopting terms will generally follow those rules. In a conlang - especially one that's expanded on/filled in from a canon source - people aren't fluent in it in the same way, so e.g. your average trans person trying to coin a term is less likely to have a deep understanding of the rules/grammar of the language, and thus you are more likely to end up with coined terms that don't make sense structurally or w/e.

Obviously the ideal is having enough people who are both very familiar with the language and trans (or w/e), but when both of those communities are relatively small, that's harder to come by.

This actually mirrors something that's been happening with gender in ASL as too! Here's where I get to disclaim that I'm a fairly new learner, so I'm happy to have any Deaf and/or more fluent folks chime in. But I am learning from queer Deaf folks, and the queer Deaf community has started to develop signs to create gender-neutral versions of gendered signs, but that development has often lagged behind similar developments in English, I think because there just haven't been that many concentrated communities of people who are both queer and Deaf as there are people who are queer and fluent in English.

So yeah, as a trans person I think this post is great. Terms for a community should come from within the community, but especially for communities where the overlap of e.g. trans people and people fluent in High Valyrian is small, it's very helpful to have a dialog between trans people who are coining terms and people (like you!) who are deeply familiar with the language terms are being coined in to offer advice on coining terms that fit in with the language as a whole.

I am not nearly involved in the conlang scene to actually contribute much on that front, but in general I do really love the idea of playing with roots of "true", I think that's a neat way to differentiate from just copying what e.g. English does, while speaking well to most folks' experience.

"Choose" is as you noted dicier - while I think there's a lot of nuance to be had here (and am not a huge fan of the oversimplification of "born this way"), a whole lot of queer/trans folks would take umbrage at the implication that they "chose" their gender (or orientation etc).

Thanks for digging in and providing such thoughtful answers, and especially for acknowledging the limits of your role here as someone not in the community being described. It sounds to me like there's plenty of room in your languages for these terms, they just have to be created and find usage - just like with natural languages!

I don't think that any of your conlangs are progressive enough to express being trans, but if they were, how would they? What about other gender/sexuality things?

That first clause is quite a thing to say. Languages aren't progressive. Their users may be, but the languages aren't anything. They're just languages. If you mean they're not modern (i.e. a lot of the languages I create are for cultures that are somewhat antiquated compared to our world), this is true, but that doesn't necessarily mean the languages won't have terminology for different gender identities.

There is a major assumption here, though. My understanding (and please do note: I am a cis man; please feel free to correct), cis and trans individuals, as opposed to nonbinary and genderfluid, are similar in that neither have any doubt about what gender they are, identifying with either male or female. So if any language I've created has a word for "man" or "woman", then there's sufficient vocabulary for a trans individual to express their identity that way.

However, there is a terminological difference, and it's both an individual choice and societal preference: Whether to identify as one's chosen gender identity, as trans, or both (e.g. "I am a woman", "I am trans", or "I am a trans woman"—and then preferring to use one of those or all of those, or some other combination of the three). My personal language preference (as a user and language creator) is fewer distinctions are better (why have three third person singular pronouns—or four or twelve—when you can have one?), because it's less to memorize, less work to use, and demands less specificity of the user—and allows the hearer/reader to make fewer assumptions. Unless the situation calls for it (e.g. the gender system hard-coded into Ravkan in Shadow & Bone), I prefer lumping rather than splitting. This is especially useful as I'm often not in charge of the culture I create languages for.

For example, the languages I've created for A Song of Ice and Fire were for cultures created and maintained by George R. R. Martin. Whatever cultural innovations I have made in creating the languages are, at best, pending—that is, true until George R. R. Martin says otherwise, which he is free to do at any time, as it's his world. As a result, I don't feel confident enough to say what life is like for a trans individual in his world, and how that might be reflected in the languages there. There's simply not enough information.

Where I might be in charge of the culture, you do know my preference now (i.e. fewer distinctions), but, as I am not trans, I'd prefer to leave it to the trans community to decide, and then do what I can to support those decisions linguistically (i.e. to make it work within the language). Any term chosen highlights some aspect of the experience while downplaying others. In English, trans, coming from transition, highlights the change from one identity to another. Other ideas for how to come up with a term might be using a root that refers to "true", highlighting the transition to one's true gender expression. Perhaps another root to look for would be "choose", framing it as one's chosen gender expression—IF one wishes to look at it that way.

In many ways, both the term and the experience are highly individual, and it's difficult to come up with a blanket term and say "this is the term". It's especially difficult since this isn't a life experience I share. It feels both disingenuous and a bit icky to come up with a term to describe an experience that is decidedly not my own.

My own preference in this regard is a twofold approach:

Allow trans users of whatever language to figure out what term works for them, and then support them in creating a term that obeys the various language rules (i.e. the phonology is correct, derived words are derived correctly, etc.). Those users, however, will be operating under the same "rules" that I operate under, e.g. the one who's creating the culture has the final say, if they care to weigh in, and so the result may end up not being canon, at which point it's up to the user to decide whether they care or not. (Note: I shouldn't have to explain it here on Tumblr, but, of course, you don't have to care if the creator of the canon says something isn't so, no matter how many billions they have.)

Allow polysemy. There will never be a term that is THE term. It may be an individual's preferred term, but someone else may like another, in which case it should be allowed.

A very important language-specific note (and the same is true of fandom, generally). By agreeing to work within a language, we're essentially agreeing to rules of a game. The rules can always be broken. When rules are broken, the question language users have to answer is if they've been broken so egregiously that they're no longer playing the game, or if it's fine. For example, if you look at fanfic, there's plenty of fanfic with gender-swapped characters, or the same characters in a radically different setting. Some readers may decide they don't want the characters to be gender-swapped. Others may decide that if it's not in the same setting they're not interested. And that's fine! Both the writers and the readers are deciding which rules of the game can be broken while still calling it the same game. This works very, very well so long as no one gets mad at anyone else. If someone says, "I don't enjoy this because it breaks the rules in a way that ruins my enjoyment", that's perfectly fine. If that same person says, "You're not allowed to break the rules in this way", that's not fine.

So hopefully this all makes sense. And, furthermore, when I say I want to support those who wish to create their own terms, I do mean it. If anyone has suggestions or needs help coining a possible word, feel free to message me! But do bear (2) above in mind. I'm not going to say any term is THE term, and have that be the end of it. It'll be one possibility amongst a rainbow of possibilities.

[trickstercaptain]

JACK, MASCULINITY & BISEXUALITY.

          so I’ve made absolutely no secret of the fact that one of the big things I love about Jack as a character ( among plenty, plenty of other things ) is how he challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, and I’m gonna use this meta opportunity to elaborate on that and hopefully connect it to Jack’s sexuality ( mostly within his canon verses, though a lot of this does also apply to his modern verse ). the long and the short of it is that Jack is simultaneously allowed to be a badass and admirable to the audience and display selfishness, cowardice, his own quirks and his desire to avoid violence wherever possible. the first two demonstrate the perks of being an anti-hero, but it’s the last one that I’m going to talk about first: Jack does not like violence. he will choose methods of solving a problem that avoid, where possible, the use of brute force, even when it puts him at a disadvantage. he chooses not to shoot Will in order to escape the smithy in CotBP despite that proving to be the easiest way out, and he is told by Barbossa in that same movie that it’s likely the mutiny would not have happened if he hadn’t been such a merciful captain. we are encouraged to like him as an audience because he uses his wits to get out of trouble, and we are encouraged to like him in spite of the fact that he is the worst swordsman of the franchise, relatively speaking, and that he in fact loses every single fight he is a part of ( unless he cheats, which he does frequently ). 

        second, he is also allowed to be quirky. a lot of this links in with the idea that Jack is an archetypal trickster: he is transgressive on purpose because that is what a trickster does. he breaks the rules because it’s fun, he manipulates others because it’s fun, he gets bored easily and uses trickery and deceit to get ahead of his opponents while casting himself as a fool. tricksters also tend to have a very fluid attitude towards gender because, once again, it is another way to transgress boundaries, and there’s certainly an undeniable sense of androgyny to Jack. I’m not here to label him as anything because a) in Jack’s canon any modern ideals just wouldn’t apply and b) he is still a man and, more importantly, still benefits consistently in his narrative from being a man, so this androgyny is purely in how he outwardly expresses himself rather than the result of any internal struggle. he is experimental and individualistic and this is one of many ways in which Jack’s character draws on the rock star tradition ---- particularly the rock star tradition of challenging masculinity with the way they dressed on stage ( think Bowie, Jagger and Hendrix ).

         but this sometimes effeminate expression of his sense of self does make it more difficult to be taken seriously by others, both within his own social strata of fellow pirates and outside of it: he wears kohl that, while practical, accentuates his pretty boy, fey image, he wears his hair long and braided ( which isn’t necessarily a sign of “femininity” in itself, though he combines this with tying trinkets and beads and jewellery into it ), he sways as he walks ( again, a practical response to being on a ship for long periods of time, but isn’t something that Jack ever seeks to correct in order to appear more intimidating ) and is fond of theatrical gesturing which, yes, feeds into a stereotype but means that in no way does he carry himself in a typically masculine way. for instance, the way Jack sits: while yes there are times when he deliberately kicks his feet up on the table to occupy extra space and piss people off, he doesn’t consistently sit down in a way that emphasises his physical power or dominance ---- in fact, in the last multiple Jacks scene in AWE, when Jack is talking to himself in the brig, we see one of the clones crossing his legs with his hands on his lap as he sits on the bench ---- something I would argue is rather reserved and not overly masculine in nature.

        now there’s an argument to be made that Jack uses his effeminacy to his advantage, in the same way that a trickster would bend any rule that benefitted him, and that this isn’t the true him, but I’d argue that, while there is of course an element of using that behaviour to encourage others to dismiss him as a fool of no consequence, it is too consistent for it to be an act, particularly as it causes him as many problems as it does solutions. it’s absolutely in his nature. another great example I want to draw on is in The Price of Freedom, where Jack uses his “sexuality” ( I use this word loosely as it’s really the only way to describe what he does lmao ) to unsettle one of Teague’s lieutenants and jailors and throw him off, both while he’s been searched airport security style and while he’s trying to conspire with Christophe to break him out of Shipwreck’s cells.

“Roger, old chum, unless you want to cause me embarrassment—and yourself a lifelong case of envy—by demanding that I actually produce the goods for your delectation…er…inspection, I’d suggest you desist.” He batted his eyes at Teague’s lieutenant.

[...] Without answering, Jack abruptly turned to confront Mortensen, who was looming behind him, scarcely a handbreadth away. “I don’t care if you’re present, Roger, but must you breathe down the back of me neck?” He rolled his eyes. “Or are you trying to work up the courage to grab me backside and give it a squeeze?” He’d spoken loudly, and his voice carried to all Christophe’s crewmen. The cell-bound pirates laughed, whistled, and jeered obscene suggestions at Mortensen.

        I love this scene because it shows how Jack switches effortlessly between typically masculine and typically feminine behaviour and uses both to achieve what he wants. the seductive act of flirting with Mortensen ( despite the fact that Jack is twenty in this scene and is very likely half the age of the jailor in question lmao ) to throw him off is a very femme fatale sort of solution ( and that is an archetype that Jack plays around with a lot ), but being a man adds an element of what I spoke of earlier too ---- that he’s more likely to be dismissed as an irritating little shit and not someone who is conspiring to break someone out of the cells. he also relies on the hyper-masculinity he is surrounded by when he speaks loudly enough for all of the pirates in the cells to hear and jeer Mortensen in response, further embarrassing him and diverting his attention long enough for Jack to make his intentions to Christophe clear.

        because this is the thing about pirates, friends. yes, they were largely accepting of and/or unbothered by homosexual behaviour, and had crews who operated in a far fairer way than many merchant or naval ships of the same period, but they are still male-dominated environments. female pirates are rare as far as historical records show purely because we only know for sure that a few were women. women would, for the most part, have to adopt masculine traits in order to exist in the same space, and many would and did disguise themselves as men in order to achieve this. Jack is therefore something of an anomaly in his challenge of male gender norms ---- he could act more like your typical brutish, violent male captain and have a far easier time of it because that’s ultimately the sort of behaviour that is rewarded in this hyper masculine space, but he doesn’t, and this is where he stands out and positions himself as an outsider even in the profession he had literally branded into his arm.

        Jack has also been directly hurt by this culture of hyper masculinity, too. it’s clear that his grandmother sees him as an easy target for her abuse because he both struggled to and didn’t want to conform, and he faces similar criticism from Teague because of his non-violent personality. in his attempt to not become like Teague, too, Jack internalises his own anger and aggression which makes him self-destructive as opposed to outwardly destructive to others. Christophe is the most similar pirate in the franchise to Jack in terms of the flamboyant way in which they both present themselves ( and Jack is no doubt influenced by Christophe in that respect, though that’s another meta entirely ), but Jack does not share his ruthless, amoral personality. and he is mutinied against by Barbossa because people are easier to search when they’re dead. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but it speaks to the strength of Jack’s character that he remains a largely good-hearted individual when it ultimately comes down to it, and did not contort his sense of self in order to make his life easier.

        so linking all of this into his sexuality, while Jack is bisexual by modern definitions of the word and does not have any shame associated with it due to the openness of pirates to living outside of the established norm ( and the fact that Jack grew up among these pirates, so would likely have not realised the extent of the prejudice that existed until he joined the merchant service and entered into civilised society ---- and I mean, when he did he was called a molly at one point by Mercer ), he was never properly taught how to have a healthy relationship with another man, whether romantically/sexually or not. Jack doesn’t really have many positive close relationships with other men to draw on ( Robby and Gibbs are of course the exceptions, and they are both extremely important ) and all of the betrayals in his life until Elizabeth come from men. moreover, just because pirates were more accepting of homosexual relations between men, doesn’t necessarily mean that pirates should be held up as paragons of healthy behaviour lmao, both in general and in regards to male on male relationships. ships are male dominated microcosms in the same way that all-male prisons are. and this is why Jack does develop one toxic male trait: the inability to express his emotions in a constructive and open way.

        Jack therefore, for the most part, just doesn’t like men. he knows how to get along with them, he certainly has a brothers-in-arms approach to his crewmates and isn’t beyond liking the odd one or two, like Robby and Gibbs ---- and it is certainly a theme that Jack is drawn to those soft, non-threatening, nurturing sorts of men ( to fill a void of nurturing behaviour in his life, imo ). of course he has trashy taste too thanks to the lingering damage of his crush on Christophe and living and growing up in the sort of environment that rewards hyper-masculine behaviour, but his most successful relationships with men are those he doesn’t perceive as threatening, and those who are happy to compliment rather than challenge him in his position as captain.

       meanwhile, he loves women. absolutely fucking adores them, and I don’t mean this just in a sexual way, but in a genuinely appreciative way too. he craves their company and prefers their company to men ( he is honestly so much happier sat at a table with five other women than he is sat with five other men ), and I think this is because he’s more likely to find acceptance with them than he is men, and historically speaking in his life has found greater understanding and affection and care from women than he ever has from his own sex. and I think in turn, because he too is a very non-threatening sort of man, absolutely a woman’s man like my god, is why he is generally adored so much by the women in his life in spite of his flaws and lesser traits lmao. why do Giselle and Scarlett constantly let him back into their lives?? because yes he’s fun and  good in bed but, if Jack’s list of corrected lies to them at the end of AWE is any indication, he also spends a considerable amount of time just talking to them, spending time in their company and getting to know them.

[fakeplasticsims]

Jane Doe for @eeriesims The Many Suitors of One Clary Wiggins

Name: Jane Doe, or at least that was the name on the toe tag Birthday/Age: She isn’t actually sure, but the autopsy report said she was between 22 and 28, so probably somewhere in there. Her body was found on April 6th, 2011, so she’s technically only 9 years old Species: Formerly human, currently a revenant Height: 5′4″, although one leg is slightly shorter than the other so let’s average that out to 5′3″ Sexual Orientation: Anyone that doesn’t mind that she’s basically a corpse, honestly Gender/Pronouns: Female, she/her Nicknames: Janie, which she prefers. Differentiates her a bit from all the other Jane Does in the morgue Occupation: She runs Glimmerbrook Farms, the local plant and flower nursery. It’s also the pumpkin farm and apple picking orchard in the fall.

𝕗𝕦𝕟 𝕗𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕤

“So I’m kind of… dead. Is that going to be a problem for you?” Jane, as her name might imply, is dead. Or rather, the reanimated dead. Nine years ago, she woke up screaming on the cold metal table of the local morgue, thereby causing all the coroners to also scream and very abruptly end the ongoing autopsy. She doesn’t remember anything about her life from when she was alive, which makes sense as her body seems to be stitched together from the disparate parts of several different people. She has a large collection of fancy ribbons to hide the fact that her head appears to have been stitched onto her neck. She is essentially a walking corpse–she doesn’t produce body heat, she can’t digest food, she doesn’t bleed or feel pain. Also, she may have gotten a few new stitches since waking up after accidentally dismembering a limb or two. On the plus side, she doesn’t rot, so she’s got that going for her.

“You’ve got to look on the bright side!” For being dead and all, Jane is surprisingly cheerful and upbeat! She’s always ready with a smile and a pleasant word. She’s, somehow, a beacon of unshakable positivity.

“My azaleas are really blooming this year.” Jane’s grey thumb is actually pretty green. She’s a master in the garden, from vegetables to flowers to the humble costa. She opened a local plant nursery five years ago and is Glimmerbrook’s one stop shop for all of your gardening needs.

“Oh, I don’t drink it. I just like to hold onto it, for the warmth.” Jane is literally always cold. It doesn’t bother her, but being warm does feel very nice. She gets warmth wherever she can get it: ordering hot drinks that she just holds onto, running her fireplace year round, and, boy, is she a cuddler.

“Is this scent more like white gardenia or rotting sepulchre?” Jane is... a little self-conscious about how she might smell. Given that she’s not actively rotting, she smells just fine, but there’s a certain stigma that’s clung to her nevertheless. She slightly obsessive about bathing and collects a wide-range of perfumes to hide the honestly non-existent odor... which then sometimes has the opposite effect.

“The correct term is revenant, thank you very much.” Jane is generally a bright and sunny person, smiling in the face of all opposition and unpleasantness... until you call her a zombie. She is not a zombie, and if she were, you’d still be safe because clearly there’s no brain in that head of yours to consume.

“Did that bush just move or am I imagining it? It’s not big enough to hide a necromancer, is it?” Clearly, someone made Jane. Nobody takes the time to stitch a bunch of body parts together and reanimate them just to leave them all alone in the world, opening gardening centers and being suitors. Jane doesn’t know anything about her origins, and she’s maybe a little paranoid that some necromancer or dark wizard and evil scientist might come knocking to claim her someday.

𝕢𝕦𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤

How did you meet Clary? “At the nursery! Miss Etheline has been coming to the shop for years. When Clary moved to town, she stopped in with her grandma. I was so stunned I almost tipped over a whole wheelbarrow of manure! That would’ve been quite the first impression, wouldn’t it? Since then Clary comes by every now and then to pick up some things for Miss Etheline’s garden.”

What was your first impression of Clary? “That she seemed a bit sad. And then that she was very beautiful, and how much I wanted to be a little light in her life, if I could. I told her I liked her hat, and she smiled–politely. I was so nervous! I’m usually not like that, you know. Also, Clary seems like she runs hot, which I find very attractive.”

What is your ideal date? “A walk through the botanical garden (I helped establish that too, you know!) and then lunch at Dino’s, where I’ll watch you eat. Dino’s brews the hottest coffee in town, so it’s my favorite spot.”

What’s your ideal relationship? “Sustaining, respectful, accepting, warm. I want love to be like a thick blanket that envelopes you, keeps you safe and happy. I know that I don’t have much to offer anyone, but if there’s anyone who is okay with loving a dead girl, that’s a soul that I want to know.”

What’s your personality like? “Ooh, tough question! I don’t know… bubbly? Cheerful? I like to make people smile. Waking up on a cold coroner’s table, about to be cut into for the umpteenth time, that’s a darkness that I’d rather forget. I try to bring light to any space that I inhabit. Some people find that off-putting, I think, but you can’t please everyone, right?

I’m still curious, about everything! I remember most things, like how to walk and talk and to look both ways before you cross the street, but some things, things that I don’t always expect, are brand new. I still remember the first time I saw a toaster pop out toast. I may have made Dino go through an entire loaf of bread that day.

As much as I love brightening up everyone else’s day, some time to myself is good too. I try not to dwell on what my old life… lives, may have been like, but sometimes it overwhelms me. Those are days I’ll spend in the nursery, surrounded by life that I helped cultivate. And then I get to share that life with the people that have become important to me.”

[saprophetic]

Why did you convert to Judaism?

tl;dr: it called to me for five years and felt like home, even before i knew i was allowed to be jewish. the community aspect, the sense that i was who i was supposed to be. that i was where i was supposed to be.

the long version is... very complex, and i'll try to answer it as honestly and extensively as i can without adding stuff i'm uncomfortable sharing because a lot of it is personal backstory. (i indented the part that skips over the tragic backstory if you want to skip that, i’m only adding it because i feel like it’s integral to my journey) i'm putting it under a cut because it's very very long and may be triggering. i also… don’t know if this was necessarily what you were asking, but i hope i answered your question sufficiently. the stuff about jewish belief (as interpreted by me) is the last few paragraphs.

tw for xtianity (specifically catholicism, as well as missionaries), child abuse, brief mention of religious homophobia and sexual assault (in paragraph 4), and mentions of antisemitism at the end

i grew up with a very catholic grandmother, and was very much the Good Catholic Girl - i was at mass every sunday, i was a youth group leader (both of my parish specifically and on a regional level) and personally helped put together a lot of youth events, i was an altar server, i was a eucharistic minister, i helped teach sunday school. i talked all the time about how much i loved being catholic, and how much i trusted god, and any time anything bad happened, i would publicly say that it was in his hands and that whatever was meant to happen would happen. no matter how bad it was, i told everyone how much i loved and trusted god.

and i was completely and utterly empty. nothing felt right. i got yelled at once for asking a question (i don't remember the question, but i do remember the embarrassment and resolve to stop questioning things). i didn't understand confession, and was too embarrassed to ask. i have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and was absolutely obsessed with being the poster girl for what a good catholic girl should look like because it was what i was supposed to be, but i just... didn't feel it. i didn't understand why some things were sins, and i didn't ever really do anything that i considered bad... so i lied in confession. i made up stuff i didn't do just so people wouldn't see that i was as lacking as i felt. and boy was i good at it.

i was very good at faking loving god, when i actually hated him. he didn’t stop my mother from being neglectful, he didn’t stop her boyfriends from being abusive, he didn’t stop us from being taken away and made to live with our grandmother. my grandmother was in the council of catholic women, she was on the board of directors at the church, she taught sunday school, she was close personal friends with both the priest and the deacon, and was beloved by everyone. and she is and always has been viciously abusive.

when i was a junior in high school, my boyfriend was a missionary kid whose parents were at a local church. he frequently bragged about how many people in papua new guinea he and his family personally converted to xtianity, and about how the bible he carried around helped him in lots of arguments at school. one instance was when he used it to argue against same-sex marriage in his US history class. even though i was catholic and he was not, he had me go to church with him sometimes. his family was Righteous and Godly and Ideal. he was a missionary kid and i was a Good Catholic Girl, and that didn't stop him from sexually assaulting me. and then he just went right back to converting people, went right back to talking about how godly and morally correct he was. 

god didn’t stop that from happening, either. god didn’t stop any of that from happening, and i hated him for it.

when i was a senior in high school, i finally called cps on my grandmother for her abuse, and they did nothing. my grandmother, the poor old woman who took in her grandchildren and suffered through how absolutely terrible and horrible they were but was still so godly, and the family was just so beautiful at mass every week… she tossed me out. she told me to pack and to leave the house. so i did.

when i moved in with a friend, sleeping on an air mattress on her floor, i had a lot of time to think about my sexuality and gender. and it scared me, because of a sermon our priest had given once and because i didn’t know how my very catholic boyfriend would react. (he was fine with it, but we did end up breaking up after a bit for unrelated stuff.) i did attend mass a few times while i lived with her, desperately hoping to feel… something, anything. but i didn’t. i didn’t get a sign or anything even remotely comforting. 

       eventually, i came to terms with the fact that i wasn’t cishet, and when i went to college (well… went is a strong word. i was on campus) i had the opportunity to start to find myself, and i thought… catholicism didn’t fit me. it never fit me, it always made me feel empty. 

one of my friends was a rabbi’s son, and as a jew, he was ALWAYS more than willing to talk about judaism. there was more than one occasion that our friend group would hang out in an empty classroom with a whiteboard, and we would just listen to him talking about the torah or about jewish ethics or just… whatever he felt like talking about.

and i desperately wanted to know more, i wanted to always feel the way i did listening to him talk about the relationship jews have with god. i wanted to be part of something that not only allowed but ENCOURAGED a fraught relationship with god. that not only allowed but ENCOURAGED questioning your beliefs. the kind of community i felt listening to him talk about judaism was something i had never felt in all my years of being a Good Catholic Girl. i wanted to be part of it so desperately… but i had been catholic, which in my mind meant i wasn’t allowed. so i pushed my desire down.

i ended up dropping out of college for mental health reasons, and by that point had ended my friendship with the friend i’d stayed with before, which meant i had to move back in with my grandmother. it was… bad. i tried to come out to her and it didn’t go well. i ended up moving out again, and was trying to get as far away from catholicism as humanly possible.

i was pagan for a few years, and i don’t regret it. i made a lot of friends and i learned a lot about what i wanted out of a relationship with god, but ultimately it just wasn’t for me. it just didn’t feel like home. during that time, i became friends with a lot of jews, and hung on to everything they said about judaism. (like, it’s seriously weird how the older i got the more jewish friends i had. it felt like judaism was literally calling me. but it scared me so i refused to think about it too hard.)

and then crazy circumstances happened (that have nothing to do with my conversion) and i moved in with my current roommates lol. one of my roommates was already jewish but didn’t really have the kind of connection to it that they wanted (for reasons that aren’t mine to share). the first time i saw them light the menorah for chanukah i… felt something. it was a kind of yearning that i just… couldn’t ignore. i felt like i was being called to something bigger and older and deeper than i had ever felt before. i wanted to be jewish more than anything and it felt like i was supposed to be jewish.

and i still waited… a while to bring it up. i thought about it constantly, but i never said a damn word to anyone, until finally i couldn’t keep it in anymore and blurted it out and i was so nervous that i was going to be told i couldn’t. but i wasn’t. we decided that we wanted to go to one of the local temples at some point.

the first time i rolled into the temple i almost cried. the feeling i had was one of overwhelming familiarity, of a desperate need to belong there. the people were so nice and welcoming but it didn’t feel like it did at my old catholic church. it felt like i already knew them, even though i was to shy to talk to many people. and then the service started, and i cried through… almost the entire thing. every time i heard hebrew, it resonated with me in a way i had never experienced.

it felt like what i was looking for in catholicism.

as a side note, at one point someone was like vaguely rude about my wheelchair in the typical abled nonsense way, and at the oneg afterwards rabbi was talking to me and was like “i saw that, and it was just absolutely unacceptable. i’m so sorry that happened.” and i was SHOCKED. 

me and my roommates ended up going to shabbat services for a few months and every single time i went into the building it just. felt like home. it felt like it was where i was supposed to be. eventually i worked up the guts to actually ask about converting, because i just… i know i keep saying it, but i just so desperately wanted to be jewish. i wanted to be a part of it more than i had ever wanted anything.

and during the conversion classes, i found… myself? i guess? i became more solidly myself, i think. i’ve never really… i’m not good with the academic part of being jewish because of my brain damage, and that’s something i worried about with my rabbi, but he told me that it was okay, that i didn’t have to know everything, because there’s things even he doesn’t know. the important thing was the spiritual part, and that was… something i actually found fulfilling.

i still have a very fraught relationship with god, but it doesn’t feel like one-sided hatred with an all knowing deity that knew i was suffering and didn’t care. it’s a struggle, a conversation, it’s me yelling at god at three in the morning and being allowed to do that. it’s me realizing that god doesn’t control everything in the universe because we’ve got free will, and there’s some things we have to do for ourselves. my suffering wasn’t preordained and there isn’t “a reason for everything”, it was other people doing it because they were exercising their free will to hurt others.

my rabbi is… older gen x cishet white man, so he’s got some pretty centrist politics, but he always stresses that he accepts us for who we are and that the most important thing is that we are taking care of ourselves. (seriously, the number of exchanges i’ve had with him that are along the lines of “i can’t make it to class because my body is doing a chronic illness” “that’s okay, make sure you take care of yourself” is… more than i can count) he’s flawed at it, of course, but… who isn’t?

the more i learn about the tanakh (as opposed to the old testament - because they’re actually very different) the more secure i feel in my decision. the stories aren’t meant to be absolutely true in every sense of the word, we have literal hundreds of pages of rabbis arguing with each other across hundreds of years about what a passage might mean. 

the stories aren’t showing how we need to be subservient to god, they’re showing that even god makes mistakes, so of course people are going to make mistakes, because we’re made in their image. they’re to remind us of who we are, of what it means to be jewish. am yisrael, the people of israel (NOT the country). we literally named ourselves after the time our great great great great grandpa wrestled with god AND WON. 

jewish belief in god doesn’t necessarily mean “i think god exists”, because of course they do. god is whatever you need them to be. jewish belief is trust, it’s like saying “i believe in you” to a friend you know can do whatever it is they need to do. 

despite what antisemites would have you believe, jews being god’s chosen people doesn’t mean we think we’re better than everyone else. being chosen is a burden. jews have historically suffered and suffered and suffered, and we’re still here. we still keep going, because we have to. jews grapple with the concept of being chosen much like we grapple with god. it’s a heavy and weighty thing that means something different to everyone. being chosen isn’t always a good thing. it’s responsibility, it’s heartbreak, it’s pain, it’s a happiness i can’t put into words, it’s community and belonging and facing adversity from people who want you dead. and continuing on, because jews will always endure.

but hey, i’m just one guy. if you ask another jew i can guarantee they’ve got another perspective and another story.

[yenslilac]

Femininity in Game of Thrones - Sansa, Margaery and Daenerys (feat. Arya)

In Game of Thrones Sansa, Margaery and Daenerys represent a different ideas of femininity, and they operate within these ideas, how the stereotypes of their roles influence their behaviour and storyline, and how they affect each other. 

[A Note: I talk a lot about the ‘ideal’ woman, or stereotypical feminine/masculine traits a lot. These don’t reflect my view, instead I tried to write this with Westerosi values in mind. Many of these points you might disagree with, that’s because they are valued by a fictional medieval society.] 

Sansa represents the idea of Traditional Femininity - the ‘ideal’ woman, who is generally passive, beautiful and sweet, with an affinity for domestic duties. 

Sansa likes sewing and dancing, and plays the high harp, and dreams of gallant knights. Both Arya and Catelyn Stark recognise she is very much suited to the life of a noble lady. 

“Sansa was a lady at three, always so courteous and eager to please. She loved nothing so well as tales of knightly valor.” 

- Catelyn VII, A Clash of Kings 

The qualities of Traditional Femininity are not always negative, but it cannot be ignored that it is this example that many women have been forced into or compared against in-world and in our own reality, and I’ll discuss this effect on Arya and Brienne later. 

But Sansa is praised by many for her lady-like qualities, and because of this for a lot of her life she has lived in a privileged and sheltered life. This makes it difficult for her during her time in King’s Landing as she finds it difficult to understand and adapt to her life as a hostage, because she was taught to obey her lord, who was Joffrey. 

Her passiveness shows within her storyline, as she never actively pursues a goal like Margaery or Daenerys. She is promised to Joffrey by her parents, her role in Joffrey’s death was unknown to her, and her escape from King’s Landing was in the hands of Dontos Hollard and Lord Baelish. She has two brief moments with Joffrey - one which she pleads for her father’s life, but this falls under ‘woman begs for a life to be saved’ and she relies on her sweet gentleness to sway Joffrey. The second is when she is brought to see the heads of her father and other members of the Stark household in King’s Landing. 

“Maybe my brother will give me your head.”

- Sansa VI, A Game of Thrones

Sansa shows that her passive gentle nature could evolve into a way that uses to advance herself. A way to use her power and influence to sway decisions and gain power by leaning into these qualities that she possesses and that people expect of her. An example of this could be Lady Macbeth, or on a more positive note, Margaery, who is up next. We actually see this again in more deliberate way, in the Vale. After Lysa’s death Sansa cries and absolves Petyr Baelish and herself of any guilt or responsibility. However, in Season 8, this is tried several more times, but ends up making her look catty and bitchy, because they did not lean into her strengths. In the end she is made Queen with the permission of brother, and we see no election creating her as Queen. As was at the start of the story, she returns to a passive role and lets others lift her up to new positions of power. 

Margaery represents what could be considered the Femme Fatale - she has control and ambition, particularly regarding her own body. She is willing to push the boundaries of acceptable society, but she is also aware of the expectations of women, and leans into them, just as Sansa began to do. She plays innocent and passive while also manipulating the likes of Joffrey and Tommen with her body language. 

Margaery learnt from the likes of her grandmother the power thet women have without being physically aggressive. This is important for Margaery as a noble lady, because she has to conform to society's expectations in order to succeed. She plays innocent and passive, conforming to the ideals of society. 

[If you’re really interested in how she manages to manipulate people I would really recommend watching this video from Charisma On Command, which explains how she is able to get Joffrey on her side as well as other characters.]

But Margaery is also willing to push against the restraints of this persona, baiting Cersei when she knows her own power will soon outstrip the others. She wears less modest clothing as opposed to the more reserved clothing of Cersei (highlighting her youth and beauty) and meets with the poor and orphans.

Like I mentioned before, Margaery uses her position and persuasion to influence decisions. She gets both Joffrey and Tommen alone and builds their trust of her, acting innocent and gentle for Joffery, making him feel dominant and powerful, and playful for Tommen, who, a younger boy was a little in awe of a beautiful woman. She submits to the High Sparrow, avoiding the Walk of Shame, and allowing her back into the Red Keep.

But this also leads to her downfall. Her constant pushing against Cersei and manipulation leads to Cersei correctly viewing her as an active threat. Cue the Sept of Baelor explosion. But does this mean that Margaery's ambition, manipulation and pushing against society's rules are a bad thing? Not at all. These actions allowed Margaery to pursue her goals on her own terms. It was Cersei's actions that put her in a position where she was stuck - and even then I have seen many criticisms of the whole Sept of Baelor, so this can maybe be put down to D&D wanting a quick way to kill her off.

Daenerys represents the Masculine Femininity - a combination of typical masculine and feminine traits. Daenerys dresses in typically feminine clothes - long dresses with intricate embroidery, and she has long braided hair. She does not make her more masculine, and falls into the bracket with Margaery and Sansa, as they are all very feminine characters. The difference between them and Daenerys, is that Dany has many more traits typically attributed to men - she is willing to take an aggressive approach herself, usually involving her dragons. She is also much more direct in her threats -

“We will lay waste to armies, and burn cities to the ground. Turn us away and we will burn you first.”

This is unlike the other two feminine women, Margaery and Sansa, who are not so aggressive, but this does not make this a bad thing. Daenerys benefits from her drive and ambition, and her direct attitude allows her to be taken more seriously when dealing with the slave masters in Essos. 

Daenerys does not uphold a persona, and lays out her cards on the table. People see her genuinely, and her compassion and sense of justice gains her friends as well as enemies. This clash of stereotypical male and female traits e.g. compassion vs. strict justice, gentleness vs. aggressiveness, creates her character, and often draws criticism from other characters. Like Sansa was considered foolish, Margaery provocative, Daenerys is persuaded to be more gentle and forgiving, which she ignores. She is told be less gentle and compassionate, when wanting to free the slaves of Yunkai, but ignores that as well. Just like Sansa and Margaery ,who began to learn to take other’s expectations as an advantage, Daenerys embraces both sides of her nature, understanding when to be merciful and when to be stern - Like a mother!

Considering that characters like Jon Snow are never criticised on screen for executing Janos Slynt, or Tyrion Lannister using wildfire on Stannis’ army, the fact that Daenerys faces negativity whenever she suggests aggressive action, such as executing one of her advisors after he killed an imprisoned Son of the Harpy, or flying to the Red Keep to confront Cersei (in Season 7, she never actually says she will burn it down), it could be concluded that Daenerys as a woman, is being unfairly leashed, while her male counterparts dole out dubious acts of justice without someone in the back saying “maybe instead, you could be nice to them!” 

Arya is probably one of the most central non-feminine characters in Game of Thrones. She rejects the traditional ideals of the gender -  Arya rejects the expectations placed upon her as a woman, and the restraints that come with it. 

 Arya in the show is a cold blooded killer, especially in the later seasons. She calmly slices a man’s throat, and bakes his sons into a pie. Arya in the books however is compassionate, protective, and is much more inclined to typically feminine things than in the show. In the show, Arya does show love and kindness, but to a lesser degree than in the books (which I think is a damn shame). 

Arya and Daenerys are characters who receive a lot of hatred and criticism. It could be called coincidence, but both the characters fall into categories OUTSIDE the ‘ideal woman’. Sansa and Margaery are compassionate and gentle and are (or believed to be) passive. Daenerys and Arya are also compassionate (depending on the media for Arya) and protective, but unlike Sansa and Margaery, they do not appear as passive to onlookers. They are direct and often aggressive in their approach to things, but also practice restraint and impulsivity in situations. 

Arya is most definitely disliked for the fact that she, a woman, dresses and carries out actions unlike what she is supposed to do. Sansa fed Ramsey to the dogs, and rightfully so, because he raped and abused her. Arya kills Meryn Trant and Walder Frey in brutal ways, but I have seen a lot of hate towards her that is generally not directed at Sansa. Perhaps it could pinned to the fact that Sansa herself did not directly kill Ramsey, and walked away as he died. Arya killed them herself, and watched as they died. 

Both women clearly took pleasure in the killing, so I think it would not be wrong that many people see Sansa’s action as triumphant, her smile a small crack in her ladylike demeanor, and then turn around and condemn Arya for doing the same, because she is less ladylike and more masculine. Sansa does not engage in the dirty work, Arya does. Sansa is a gentle lady exacting justice upon a cruel man, but looks away from the gore. Arya is a psychopath who gladly takes a hand in brutal murder. 

These situations are essentially the same, yet Arya is shamed and insulted by the audience for it. It is similar to Daenerys. Every harsh action - the execution of Mirri Maz Duur, Doreah and Xaro Xhoan Daxos, the slave masters, the Tarlys. All of them are analyzed and judged and she is hated for it. She is physically powerful (I say this because of her dragons) and ambitious, and like Arya, often has a hand in the execution of her enemies. 

Daenerys does not take pleasure in most of these scenarios, mainly because unlike Arya, the executions are usually not revenge motivated. Yet again, she is villified, almost for the opposite reason to Arya. She dresses feminine yet acts in ways often interpreted as masculine. Many might argue that this is not the sole reason for the hatred directed towards, and I agree, but I definitely think that it plays a strong part, especially as other male characters, and Sansa do not have essays painting them as villains and specifically using the executions they carry out. 

I also want to address the claim that many Sansa stans have, which is the reason I felt prompted to make this in the first place. Many of Sansa’s fans feel that she is hated because she is feminine, unlike other characters, which I felt is wrong, and I think I’ve provided enough evidence for that. It cannot be denied that the specific type of femininity that Sansa exhibits has been used against women in her own universe and ours. If you are not modest, you’re a slut, women should be quiet and gentle, they should be homemakers. These ideas are old but they still are quite common in many aspects of society today, which is also why I made this post, because it seems that this could one of the reasons that Arya and Dany are disliked so much. I also wanted to show that Margaery, while different, definitely fits into Sansa’s femininity, and I see hardly any hate posts about her. 

So, to conclude, Sansa, the Traditional Femininity earned her praise and allowed her to rise up the ranks, but also left her passive and naive, when she was younger, because of the shelter her privilege gave her (the privilege I refer to is the respect and admiration of her friends and older women in her life, something Arya did not have due to her lack of talent/interest in feminine duties). Margaery used Traditional Femininity as a cover which allowed her to orchestrate her own ambition and desires, while subtly manipulating those around her. Daenerys used strength to intimidate her enemies and generosity to gain her friends, but these qualities drew a lot of criticism to her character. Arya is similar - she faces criticism for not being ‘a real woman’ (which I have seen people say). None of these characters are at fault for how they are written and the consequences that result from their characterisation, but it is us, as an audience, to recognise these differences between characters especially in regard to how we view women, and how they influence our view of the characters. 

[imagitory]

HPHM Profile: Carewyn Cromwell

<<<updated: 12/6/2020 // original template by @hogwarts-misery >>>

“I can’t just live my life however I want! Maybe I want to — sometimes I want to — sometimes I want to so much that I think of just saying ‘forget the Cursed Vaults! Forget about R and their death threats and the fear and the not-knowing-what’s-coming!’ But...I can’t. As long as Jacob is out there — as long as I don’t know whether he’s alive or dead — whether he needs my help or not — how can I put myself first?! How can I justify chasing the Quidditch Cup, or joining the Dueling Club, or singing in the Frog Choir, when anything great I might do won’t mean a thing, without my brother there cheering me on whether I win or lose!? How can I fight for my dreams...while not knowing if Jacob will be able to share them with me? What sort of person would I be? What sort of disgusting — selfish — cowardly — terrible person would I be, if I abandoned him!? How could I face my mum again — face myself again — if I just threw my brother away?!”

[PROFILE]

NAME | Carewyn Lane Cromwell

NICKNAMES | Carey (by her friends, especially Bill, Charlie, and Tonks); Winnie (by her mother); Pip, Pippa (by Jacob); Cursebreaker (by Andre) [Note: In AUs, Jacob calls Carewyn “Wyn” instead of Pip, as “Pippa” is a reference to the Robert Browning poem “Pippa Passes,” which often doesn’t exist in other universes. XD]

GENDER | Female (cisgender)

SEXUAL / ROMANTIC ORIENTATION | Asexual / Panromantic

[PERSONALITY]

In some ways, Carewyn is an ideal heroine. A bright, compassionate girl, she often finds herself drawn to those less confident than her and feels the urge to protect and take care of them. Even when she was very little, she ended up “mothering” her older brother Jacob by encouraging him to eat and sleep more and offering advice, just as much as he often “fathered” her by inspiring her and shielding her from any perceived threats. But don’t mistake this young Cursebreaker for a saint -- Carewyn actually is an incredibly proud person who protects her fragile, sensitive heart with a hard shell of seemingly unbreakable confidence and cool insight. There is nothing she hates more than showing her insecurities and fears, and so she does her best to always look her best and put her best face forward no matter what, even around the people she cares about. This means that almost none of her many friends have any idea about the demons Carewyn is secretly fighting in her pursuit of the Cursed Vaults and her brother. Carewyn dresses the part for whatever situation she’s in, and she always feels most comfortable when she feels in control and believes she has the moral high ground -- admittedly her moral compass is pretty strong on its own, but she also buries any more selfish and meaner feelings she has as deep as she can, pushing herself to be the best, most moral person she can be, even if it’s difficult for her. She wants to be everything that everyone needs, and unfortunately that can result in Carewyn setting standards that are way too high for herself and secretly resenting and berating herself whenever she falls short, or worse not even participating in something she thinks she can’t put all of herself into or wouldn’t do well in. Her self-loathing is so strong that when something traumatic happens to her (such as Jacob’s disappearance or the death of Redacted), she can suffer from severe spells of depression where she neglects her own well-being and as a consequence forcibly removes herself from the people around her so as not to let others see her in such a terrible state. Because of her own high standards for herself, as well, Carewyn also can be judgmental of others, not being prone to change her mind about a person easily. When backed into a corner, Carewyn can freeze up, but when her own self-preservation or her loved ones are threatened, she can bite back really hard, though she’ll almost always regret losing control after the fact. Carewyn has a very organized mind and works best when she has a plan and knows where she’s going at any given time -- ambiguity and mystery are not this girl’s friends. This sadly can result in her being a real stick in the mud, which makes her an easy target for pranks and mischief. Fortunately, despite her overly serious attitude, Carewyn has a nice dry sense of humor and is a very passionate, driven person. In her fifth year, she was even made a Prefect largely due to her protective, nurturing instincts, though it’s good to note that that doesn’t make her a rule follower. Carewyn only respects rules and the people enforcing them if they have earned her respect and she sees the reasoning behind them. If there’s one thing Carewyn can’t stand, it’s condescension. Carewyn’s core interests are singing (her favorite wizard band is the Weird Sisters and her favorite Muggle band is the Eurythmics), Charms, magical history, and magical creatures.

[BIOGRAPHY]

DATE OF BIRTH | August 29, 1973 (Virgo)

BLOOD STATUS | Half-Blood

FAMILY INFO | Carewyn is the second child and only daughter of Evan Bach and Lane Cromwell. Carewyn’s mother Lane alienated her parents, younger brother, and older sisters -- a well-respected, but very overbearing magical family called the Cromwells -- upon moving to Wales and marrying Evan, who was a Muggle. Unfortunately Evan and Lane’s marriage took a turn for the worse after Jacob was born. Jacob’s magical abilities peeked through at an early age and were interpreted by Evan as deliberate misbehavior despite Lane’s best attempts to diffuse any tension. Nine years into their marriage, Evan and Lane were surprised by a late addition to the family -- their daughter, Carewyn. Rather than bringing Evan and Lane closer together, however, Carewyn’s arrival only seemed to drive Evan further away, as he already had had no instincts about how to be a father to Jacob and felt even less sure about how to raise a daughter. Deciding it was better to give up and just let Lane do what was best rather than mess up, Evan withdrew from Carewyn almost completely, leaving Lane and even his son Jacob to look after her. Fortunately Jacob, an nine-year-old boy at the time of Carewyn’s birth, adored his little sister immediately and went out of his way to coddle and protect her however he could. When Jacob turned 11 and received his Hogwarts letter, Lane was finally allowed by law to tell Evan about her magical heritage and the Wizarding World, but by that point, Evan and Lane’s marriage was so rocky that the revelation finally made it buckle and fall apart. Evan left his family that very night, leaving Lane heartbroken. Knowing her family would insist upon her returning to their estate in Yorkshire if she went to them for financial help, Lane instead charted out alone and raised her two children completely on her own while working as a magical historian and Runes expert. Although Lane, Jacob, and Carewyn lived in poverty for almost all of Jacob’s school career and Carewyn’s childhood, the Cromwells managed to dig their way out of debt a year before Jacob disappeared, now sitting on the perimeter of “lower-middle class.”

MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE | INFJ “The Advocate”

[MAGICAL ABILITIES]

WAND | Hornbeam and dragon heartstring, 11 inches, inflexible (broken by Rakepick) // Laurel and phoenix feather, 12 inches, unyielding (nicknamed her “Excalibur wand”)

BOGGART | Voldemort [Carewyn’s greatest fear is a threat she has no hope of overcoming, fighting, escaping, or controlling...which, yeah, is Voldemort in a nutshell!]

ANIMAGUS FORM (IF ANY) | Robin

PATRONUS | Abraxan Winged Horse

[AFFILIATION]

HOUSE | Slytherin

QUIDDITCH POSITION (IF ANY) | She prefers playing Chaser in Quidditch friendlies, but she’s been reluctant to commit to the Slytherin team due to her extreme focus on finding her brother and fear of letting Orion and the others down.

PREFECT? | Yup!

[ACADEMICS]

BEST CLASS(ES) | Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, History of Magic (thanks to her mum!)

WORST CLASS(ES) | Transfiguration, Divination

OWL SCORES | 

Charms - O

Transfiguration - O

Potions - O

Herbology - O

History of Magic - O

Care of Magical Creatures - O 

Defense Against the Dark Arts - O

[RELATIONSHIPS]

PARTNERS |

Andre — In the beginning, Carewyn was completely and totally dedicated romantically to Andre, having attended the Celestial Ball and gone on two dates with him. In the darkest part of her heart, though she was a bit afraid that she wouldn’t be “exciting” enough for Andre in the long term, given that he’s always been quite popular and outgoing and she’s only really gotten any esteem at Hogwarts for being a Cursebreaker, which she didn’t really ever want to be. Add onto this some tension brought on by the All-Wizard Tournament where Andre got so obsessed with winning that he took help from his girlfriend and then flat-out didn’t even consider helping her in return and Carewyn’s severe trust issues, and soon the two had a lot of trouble communicating properly. When times were good, they had a lot of fun together, but if they ever weren’t, the two just couldn’t seem to connect and fix it as a team. Not long after the All-Wizard Tournament, Carewyn finally told Andre she needed a break, and after a talk, they decided it was better to end their romantic relationship and try just being friends again. Despite the break-up, they both remain incredibly fond of each other and respect each other deeply.

Chiara — In the beginning of my game-playing journey, I had considered matching Carewyn with Chiara in the long-term. Ever since they first met, Carewyn has both identified with and greatly admired Chiara. Even if Chiara has had such a rough life, she remains ever gentle, kind, and forgiving -- everything, in essence, that Carewyn wants and tries to be -- all without seemingly even trying. She’s never expected anything from Carewyn, no matter how big her reputation as a Cursebreaker has grown, and is always supportive of her choices. She even wants to Heal others, even if her werewolf form is so hell-bent on destruction and harm. Chiara, meanwhile, identifies with and admires Carewyn just as much for her nurturing, sensitive heart, and thinks she’s one of the bravest people she knows. She understands Carewyn’s self-loathing from a first-hand perspective since she struggles with it herself, but she can’t understand it in the sense that she sees Carewyn as a truly wonderful, strong person who should be able to love herself just as much as she loves others. Carewyn frequently spends time with Chiara in her Animagus form during the full moon to keep her company, singing sweet songs to brighten her darker nights. A Chiara/Carewyn ending would’ve been what I considered the “Peaceful” ending, AKA the “Soft uwu” ending -- but it also sort of struck me that the two’s personalities and demons were similar enough that there wouldn’t be as much chance for growth for both of them, and there wouldn’t be as much action or engaging contrast in their interactions, as they would both be pretty universally supportive of each other except when they’re blocking the other out “for their own good.” Even if Carewyn doesn’t end up with Chiara romantically, though, she cherishes her as a friend and would do anything to make her happy.

Diego —  This option sort of came out of nowhere, but quickly developed from a crackship into a genuine ship for me, given that like Chiara, Diego would be able to bring some sunlight into Carewyn’s life and be a dependable partner who wouldn’t put high expectations on Carewyn’s shoulders. As for Carewyn, she finds Diego’s flirting absolutely hysterical. Part of this is because Carewyn herself is asexual, but she also just isn’t the sort to actively “flirt” with people. Funnily enough, however, Diego’s charm does end up endearing him to Carewyn anyway, though not for the reason it might charm others! Although she does find his behavior funny, she can still tell he’s sincerely trying to compliment the people he’s talking to, and he’s also amazingly modest despite his clear talent at wizard dueling. Add onto this that he likes dancing, and music-loving!Carewyn has found he’s an all-around pretty fun guy to spend time with. Diego also isn’t turned off in the slightest by Carewyn finding amusement in his flirting, either -- if anything, he finds it rather endearing, as Carewyn is usually so serious and he thinks she should laugh more often. A Diego/Carewyn ending would’ve been what I considered the “Fun” ending, AKA the “Romcom” ending -- but it also felt as though it was an ending that could only come to be and work well in peaceful times, with Diego not being as well-equipped in dealing with Carewyn’s darker spells or in dealing with more serious issues or deep heart-to-heart conversations.

Orion — This, after a lot of deliberation, is the final end-game ship I’ve decided for Carewyn post-Second-Wizarding-War. Orion really wasn’t what Carewyn expected out of a Quidditch captain when they first met in her third year and his fourth, but being related to two Ravenclaws, she actually finds his vague, philosophical bent kind of refreshing. It can still frustrate her sometimes due to her desire to plan ahead, but she sees how his off-kilter affect keeps others on their toes and, therefore, can shift control over a situation his way. (Rather appropriate display of cleverness, for a Slytherin.) Learning his backstory prompts a lot of empathy from Carewyn as well, given that she also didn’t have any real friends before attending Hogwarts, and she greatly admires how wise Orion has become both about himself and about life, even after going through what he’s gone through. After being on his team for that short time, Carewyn’s developed a lot of respect for Orion, and even after leaving, she’s remained very supportive of her house team and especially of Orion as their leader. Even if Carewyn’s not on the team, she keeps up with Quidditch not just out of love for the sport, but because of her desire to see Orion’s team do well. As for Orion, he got the sense they were kindred spirits ever since they first played side-by-side in the match against Hufflepuff and quietly laments that she’s never been a permanent member of his team. He frequently cites that Carewyn has “more fire than a Firecrab” -- although he can find it a bit overpowering at times, her passion was the thing that first sparked his interest in her, and over the years, Orion has come to see her as an equal, admiring her not just for that passion, but for her determination, courage, and selflessness. Orion and Carewyn are also both incredibly insightful, thoughtful, sensitive people who have the tendency to “create a family” out of their friends that they support and nurture in an almost parental manner. After Carewyn left the Slytherin team after the match against Hufflepuff, Orion attempted to persuade Carewyn to rejoin several times over the years due to his lingering fondness for her, even though he’s always respected her decision not to. It’s only after Carewyn returns to the team to help Slytherin win the Quidditch Cup for the first time in ten years and gets injured in the process that Orion learns that he and Carewyn have the same Patronus -- an Abraxan Winged Horse -- which, according to the old wives’ tale, suggests that they are soul mates. By then, however, Orion is set to graduate within weeks and he knows that Carewyn’s life is of course consumed with dealing with the Vaults. And so he decides not to pursue the chance of a relationship solely based on a superstition, however much he regrets his lack of action later. As adults, the two reconnect after the end of the Second Wizarding War and an unconventional romance starts between the two. This endgame ship gives Carewyn both things I wanted for her while shipping Chiara/Carewyn and Diego/Carewyn -- peace and fun -- while also matching her with someone who can bring some balance and positivity to her life and help her let go of her inner demons and yet who she can also defend, protect, and love with all of her fire. And because of their differences -- Orion being so chill, passive, and philosophical and Carewyn being so sensible, perfectionistic, and passionate -- they’ll constantly contrast and challenge each other too.

FRIENDS |

Bill —  The Weasley family overall filled the void in Carewyn’s heart that Jacob left behind, none more so than Bill. Carewyn adores Bill like few others and supports him in his Cursebreaking 110%, to the extent that she probably would help him do it even if it didn’t involve the Cursed Vaults. Bill quasi-“adopts” Carewyn into his family pretty early on, but only grows closer to and fonder of her over time, as she’s the first person who he’s ever been able to lean on the way he always let his siblings lean on him. Bill’s accompanied Carewyn to every single Cursed Vault, and he is her right-hand man when it comes to who she’d pick to help her with something dangerous. By the time Bill’s graduated, the two stand on relatively equal footing despite their age gap, and after the death of Redacted, Bill and Carewyn solidly become each other’s best friend and confidante, leaning on and supporting each other more than anyone else. The rest of Carewyn’s friend group likes to jokingly refer to her and Bill as the “Mum” and “Dad” of the group, given their shared tendency to “parent” the others. Bill was the one who coined the nickname “Carey” for Carewyn, and the rest of her friend group has totally run with it since, none more so than Charlie and Tonks.

Charlie — If Bill is Carewyn’s surrogate big brother, Charlie is Carewyn’s twin brother from another mother. Carewyn loves talking about dragons with Charlie. (They’re just so cool!) Charlie and Carewyn also like playing in Quidditch friendlies together, even if they’re in different houses, and they can often be seen handling Prefect duties together. Ever since Charlie, Bill, and Carewyn went into the Portrait Vault with Ben and Merula, the two Weasley boys and Carewyn have been closer than ever. Charlie and Carewyn in particular have latched onto each other in Bill’s absence, given how close both of them were to him. As adults post-Hogwarts, Charlie frequently crashes on Carewyn’s couch whenever he flies in for a visit from Romania, if his mother doesn’t insist upon him staying at the Burrow. Charlie and Carewyn refer to themselves as a pair as “Fireballs,” because Chinese Fireballs are the only dragons known to live among their own kind -- and so the word represents how Charlie and Carewyn see each other as kindred spirits.

Rowan — Rowan was Carewyn’s first friend at Hogwarts, but recently they’ve sort of been growing apart, due to Rowan’s extreme focus on academics and Carewyn’s extreme focus on finding her brother. For Carewyn, it feels like she’s changed a lot in five years -- starting as the shunned younger sister of the delinquent Jacob Cromwell and growing into a renowned Cursebreaker who has learned so much and made so many different friends and now tries to protect Hogwarts and her fellow students however she can -- while Rowan has rigidly stayed put where she was, remaining as studious and socially awkward as ever. Carewyn doesn’t resent Rowan for this -- on the contrary, she’s always admired Rowan’s single-minded ambition to be the youngest professor in Hogwarts history, damn what anyone else says, and wishes she had the luxury of chasing her own dreams that doggedly. But at the same time, Carewyn wouldn’t have felt good about herself, if she’d stayed the way she’d been when she first arrived. She sees herself as having been weaker, less competent, and less capable back then, while Rowan was always so brilliant and both emotionally and intellectually ahead of everyone else. Rowan and Carewyn have grown into very different people over the last five years, but Carewyn still loves and treasures Rowan like few people in the world as her first real friend and the friend that in some ways she wishes she could be more like.

Talbott  — The two at first didn’t see eye-to-eye at all, given that Talbott tends to hide most of his positive emotions at first and Carewyn hides her negative emotions constantly --- but once the ice broke between them, the two really connected and became good friends. Carewyn loves Talbott’s sense of humor and was also pleasantly surprised to find out what a great writer he is! She often volunteers to read whatever he’s working on, which kind of weirds Talbott out, but he secretly is happy she likes his stuff. When Carewyn wants some peace, she’ll take some time to fly around in her robin Animagus form, and she always loves it when Talbott joins her for a flight around the grounds. Carewyn often sings little tweeted songs the entire way, and even if Talbott teases her for it, he does actually really enjoy it. Post-Hogwarts they work together a lot, as Talbott is an Auror and Carewyn is a lawyer.

Ben — Ben was one of the very first people who Carewyn took under her wing, and even now, she remains a bit protective of him. She was always really proud whenever he expressed more courage and initiative in the past, but with the advent of sixth year, Ben has grown a lot more reckless and blunt, to the extent he could easily get himself into a dangerous situation and get hurt. Carewyn isn’t sure at all how to react to the development, but she doesn’t like it -- not one bit. Ben himself is struggling with how much Carewyn wants to look at him as someone to protect while never letting anyone else do the same for her. Because he’s known her longer than most, he’s seen Carewyn’s own dramatic transformation from a quiet, but overemotional little girl into a micromanaging, fussing, stoic, confident Mama Bear, and as much as he’s glad Carewyn’s gotten more confidence, he laments being on equal footing with his friend and feeling like he could help her as much as she helps him. Once they get their emotions and issues sorted, Ben and Carewyn become closer than ever, to the point that he, Merula, Charlie, and Bill are co-leader of the Circle of Khanna with Carewyn.

Barnaby — At first Carewyn couldn’t help but look down on Barnaby a bit given how dim he could be, but once he agreed to help her, she was surprised by how sincere and sweet he really was. Soon enough she felt her protective instincts kick in, and now she’s incredibly encouraging and supportive of him. These days you can usually see them chatting excitedly about magical creatures together in class -- Carewyn’s really happy to see Barnaby succeeding in Care of Magical Creatures as well as enjoying it, and Barnaby loves it whenever Carewyn sings to the creatures they’re working with in order to soothe them.

Jae — Although their personalities are pretty diametrically opposed, even down to house placement, Carewyn gets along pretty well with Jae. She doesn’t entirely see the appeal of him dealing with shadier merchandise, but he still agreed to help her when she needed to go to Knockturn Alley despite the risks and he’s a pretty sharp, resourceful person. Carewyn mostly just thinks he should push himself more, rather than just be content with where he’s at. After learning how much Jae likes cooking, Carewyn has enjoyed spending time with him in the kitchens whenever she wants to try out a new recipe.

Penny — Carewyn was actually a bit startled when popular Penny first took an interest in her in their first year. In their fifth year, Carewyn grew a bit more protective of Penny with the Portrait Curse capturing her younger sister, Beatrice -- now that Beatrice and Penny have started to grow apart, however, Carewyn now finds herself stuck between them, feeling sympathy for Beatrice’s position but still valuing her friendship with Penny.

Liz — Carewyn and Liz’s friendship is a bit more casual than others, but they’ve really connected well thanks to their shared interest in magical creatures. You can usually see Carewyn hanging out with her, Charlie, and Barnaby in Care of Magical Creatures.

Badeea — Art buddies! Carewyn is very encouraging of Badeea’s artistic talent, and the two love talking about music and Charms together.  

Tonks  — Carewyn greatly admires Tonks’s wish to be an Auror and loves how funny her imitations can be, but more often than not ends up being the butt of one of Tonks’s pranks.

Tulip — Like Tonks, Tulip loves pranking Carewyn. A LOT. Carewyn doesn’t find most of her jokes that funny, but can’t stay that mad at her.

Fred and George — Carewyn has only just met the twins, but she can already tell they’re going to be a handful. But they’re Bill and Charlie’s brothers, so in Carewyn’s mind, they are already family, so she feels a bit of protectiveness toward them.

Cedric — When Carewyn met Cedric, her first reaction was immense pity, given how much attention he’d managed to accrue in his first year alone when he clearly didn’t feel like he deserved it. Cedric reminds Carewyn of herself in first and second year, when she was still so shy and insecure whenever people would talk about her, so the Slytherin Prefect feels a lot of compassion for Cedric. She sort of hopes everyone will lay off him a bit so he can just have a normal school life without so much pressure.

Percy — Carewyn hadn’t thought she’d ever encounter someone that she would consider a stick-in-the-mud...until she met Percy Weasley. His rat Scabbers is kind of cute, though -- when he doesn’t bite!

Skye — Carewyn appreciates all of the help Skye gave her when she first started playing in Quidditch friendlies, but at present, she’s not talking to Skye, thanks to her going off and starting unfounded rumors about the Ravenclaw Beater, Erika Rath, the way that people spread rumors about Carewyn when she first started at Hogwarts. NOT COOL, SKYE. Orion deserves better than to deal with that sort of drama!!

Murphy — Both he and Carewyn are planners, and that’s great...but Murphy only plays Wizard Chess, a game he’s great at and Carewyn is terrible at, and that’s not so great.

Professor McGonagall —  The Deputy Headmistress is by far the professor Carewyn respects above all others. Even if she finds her class very challenging, she gives every assignment her all because of how much she respects McGonagall and wants to impress her. McGonagall herself nurtures a soft spot for Carewyn, even despite her being in Slytherin, due to her strong moral streak and desire to protect others.

Professor Flitwick — Charms is Carewyn’s best and favorite class, and Flitwick is a large reason why. Carewyn also really admires Flitwick’s talent in wizard dueling and is always thrilled to learn new dueling spells from him. Flitwick had a soft spot for Carewyn’s brother Jacob back in the day, since Jacob was in his house, and he’s nurtured a similar soft spot for Carewyn because of her great talent in and enthusiasm for Charms.

Professor Kettleburn — Carewyn adores Care of Magical Creatures and, by extension, Professor Kettleburn. She just really doesn’t want to lose as many body parts or clothing pieces as he has. Kettleburn always enjoys when Carewyn sings to the creatures in his class -- he finds it incredibly creative and entertaining.

Hagrid —  Carewyn loves Fang SO MUCH. And Hagrid too. Just not his rock cakes. And Hagrid...well, Carewyn’s just so tiny, but with such a big heart!

FOES |

Rakepick — Pre-Portrait Vault, Carewyn didn’t trust Rakepick as far as she can throw her, largely because she couldn’t get a good fix on her. Even Snape, who Carewyn clashes with at times, seems to have a wonky code of honor (META: largely because she is a Slytherin and -- more notably -- is at school before she could see how terribly he treats Harry and Neville!), but Carewyn wasn’t even sure if she could ascribe that to Rakepick. Her initial judgment seems to have been justified, given how Rakepick acted in the Portrait Vault -- but Rakepick’s betrayal, which was somehow even worse than Carewyn could’ve imagined, has only served to make the young Slytherin feel less sure on her feet, as she’s started to connect the dots and realize that her comrades may have trusted Rakepick for the some of the same reasons that they’ve trusted Carewyn herself. Rakepick and Carewyn have encouraged the others, but have also never trusted them with their true feelings or motives, and they both led them into danger all because of their desire to get to the Cursed Vaults. Although they pursued the Vaults for different reasons, they were both relentless, resourceful, stubborn and proud in their pursuit -- and in enlisting others to help them in that pursuit, they were both responsible for every terrible thing that ensued from it.

Ismelda — Carewyn really doesn’t like her intense interest in pain and suffering -- like...at all. Even if she might put on a strong, unflappable face, Carewyn is way too big of a bleeding heart to enjoy death or pain. Ismelda also considering using a Love Potion on Barnaby soured Carewyn to her quite a bit, though Carewyn is glad Ismelda changed her mind and they were able to come to some sort of a truce.

Merula — Their rivalry was much more intense when they were younger and Merula was actively bullying Ben and Rowan -- nowadays Carewyn just uses her help when it’s useful and ignores her when she’s being her usual awful self. After seeking counsel from her mother and Rowan, Carewyn was even nice enough to give Merula her spot on the Frog Choir, even if she’d really wanted it herself. Although Rowan staying constant and unchanging throughout the years is something Carewyn admires in her, however, she absolutely loathes the quality when it’s expressed in Merula. At the end of year 5, she and Merula came to something of a truce, but with the start of their sixth year, Merula’s taken a couple giant steps back in her evolution, which greatly frustrates and disappoints Carewyn. Carewyn wouldn’t ever call Merula her friend, but...well, she’d still been happy to see Merula had actually been able to prove her a little wrong and become a slightly better person. It’s awful to see her regress after going through that slight improvement.

Professor Dumbledore — Although Dumbledore is an amazingly powerful wizard with a very amiable attitude, over the years Carewyn has gotten very, very frustrated with how much she’s told to stop trying to deal with the Vaults. On top of that, the Headmaster of Hogwarts frequently obfuscates things a bit too much for Carewyn’s liking. She can sense that he is trying to be helpful, but that in a way makes things all the more frustrating, as she finds his methods so phenomenally misguided. Carewyn tries to conceal just how low her opinion of the man has fallen, but in truth she’s become rather resentful of him.

Emily —  Oh gosh. Given how fond Carewyn is of Bill and how ridiculously condescending and prone to bullying Emily can be, Carewyn understandably despises her. She hates her more than she ever hated Merula.

PETS (IF ANY) | Mimi (orange tabby cat), Sir Robin the Brave (toad), Lune (bat), Balto (Cruppy)

ANIMAL PRESERVE (IF ANY) | Wicket the Niffler; Tumnus the Porlock; Arjuna the Abraxan; Belle the Fairy; Esmeralda the Welsh Green; Leila the Thestral, Peter Quill the Knarl; Apollo the Hippogriff; Barnaby Jr. the Bowtruckle

[markoftheasphodel]

The New Dawn of the Golden Deer

A retrospective on the Verdant Wind route and its home characters is substantially more difficult for me, personally, to construct because it lacks the overt resonance with earlier games that allowed for Azure Moon’s descent in through FE1/3/5/8, etc. But here goes nothin’...

Part of it is the not unfair sense that the Golden Deer are the catch-all house of Garreg Mach compared to the thematic cohesion of the Blue Lions. The five nobles all bear a King Lear-themed naming scheme that’s slightly obscured in the localization, but it doesn’t appear to mean much of anything. The three commoners are distinctly “common” without the complicated ties to nobility that their Blue Lion counterparts all bear. While Dimitri was a known quantity to most of the Lions before they all enrolled at the Academy, Claude is very much an unknown to his fellow Alliance nobles. That’s part of the point.

If we take Claude’s big motivational speech to his House at face value (and there are reasons we should and yet shouldn’t), the actual through line of the Deer is separate people coming together as one, so we’ll roll with that as a starting point. How do they manage it? Well, the Deer are for the most part A++ in terms of character development-- not the revelation of sad and traumatic backstories, but development beyond where we first find them. 

Hilda, in the face of actual responsibility, grows out of her cocoon of deliberate idleness to be Claude’s right-hand-woman, her ability to delegate and to get others to do work turned into strengths. Lorenz grudgingly adapts his persona of the perfect noble to be more in-keeping with what people actually want and need in a leader (and what a lady wants in a nobleman!), without surrendering his actual core identity. Marianne faces up to the literal Beast of her family history and moves past it, finding value in herself and her life. Ignatz, also hobbled by guilt and low self-worth initially, matures into a thoughtful and capable young man with contributions of value to the Deer war councils. Lysithea perhaps leans harder on the “backstory revelation” than upon onscreen development and Leonie and Raphael are arguably the least developed of the Deer. I’d vote for poor Raphael as the worst-written of the lot, as the decency and humanity we see in his supports and Paralogue is still buried under “muscles” and “food” even in Endgame. 

And then we have Claude, a Fire Emblem protagonist unlike any other to date. Whereas Dimitri is unquestionably in the mold of previous FE princelings, Claude has more in common with a different lineage of character, the Snarky Sniper who often serves as a peer rival or frenemy of the Lord. Said “archetype” dates back to Archanea’s Jeorge, who also stands as the progenitor to a line of characters one might call “Wandering Nobles”-- Lewyn, Elffin, Joshua, etc. Claude, with his deliberate obscurity about who and what he is recalls Jeorge on both counts, and his pride in his stratagems can’t help but recall Innes, the Strategician Prince/peer rival of Ephraim’s from FE8. Innes, though, was quite straightforward in his goals even if his methods could be shady (spy networks, etc). Claude’s means and his end goals are both veiled; from the start we learn we can take nothing at face value including his smile. You can probably count on your fingers the number of times Claude reveals the unguarded and unvarnished truth to anyone.

Fortunately, Claude is able to harness his practiced charm to get and keep the other Deer on-board with his leadership even if he doesn’t trust them with the actual secrets of his full identity or his ultimate goal. I’ve been in FE fandom long enough to see several waves of fans clamoring for a “cool” lord like Joshua, and well... Claude has arrived. And he is, indeed, quite the charmer as well as quite the schemer. I must say I love him, even if his current status as a memelord misses the point (Claude, ever conscious as to his image he projects, would not do many of the things meme!Claude gets up to, sorry).

Claude breaks new protagonist ground even as his character “type” traces back to the dawn of Fire Emblem. Lorenz provides a superb example of the rival/foil to the protagonist-- as Innes to Ephraim, except both Claude and Lorenz fully acknowledge the game. Hilda gives us a noblewoman deft at wielding “soft power” and a reluctant adjutant to Claude who succeeds beyond her own expectations. Marianne steps beyond the shadow of her backstory to show genuine growth. The same goes for Ignatz, though he perhaps treads too hard on the “soft archer boy” trail already defined by Ashe. Lysithea takes the image of the pale-haired, sweets-eating gremlin/loli and gives it some heft, Leonie hits against barriers of class and gender expectation while making a surprisingly shaded portrait of an apprentice in thrall to a flawed master, and Raphael... was done dirty by the developers.

That’s the Golden Deer for you. What does it all mean, beyond the ideal of a bunch of disparate characters coming together under one banner to bring about a new dawn for the continent? Well... I’m not really sure, not least because the Deer don’t entirely understand the scheme Claude’s roped them into! Verdant Wind provides a great counterpoint to Azure Moon in that, thanks to Claude’s own zeal for getting to the bottom of things, we learn things that Dimitri and his route simply weren’t interested in. It’s an engaging crew of characters on a mad adventure that includes magical ICBMs, an underground city with a classic Star Wars/TRON aesthetic, and a final smackdown with the reanimated corpses of legendary heroes.

In the end, though, it didn’t have the sheer emotional resonance for me of the Dimitri and his Blue Lions-- perhaps because its parts are insufficiently tethered to the hoary “archetypes” of FE in a way that Azure Moon handled brilliantly. Or, perhaps because Claude’s reliance on Byleth instead of Lorenz and/or Hilda as his main partner in crime was dragged down by the fact Byleth isn’t really a character. On Azure Moon, Byleth’s presence isn’t enough to eclipse that Dimitri’s posse deeply love and deeply fear for their prince; it’s really the story of the redemption of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, whereas in Verdant Wind Claude makes a chessboard of all Fódlan and the nations beyond, a breadth of scope that does indeed evoke Genealogy of the Holy War even if the Deer themselves don’t summon many spectres of Jugdral.

In the end, neither really works in a vacuum. Azure Moon is deeply, viscerally felt and fails to ask, much less answer, many basic questions. Verdant Wind holds the entire spectacle at arms’ length while digging for answers that lead to more questions that lead to some very strange places. As two halves of the same coin, they make an interesting pair. But they are not, of course, merely two halves, as we now have another house to join and two more routes to consider...

[queermediastudies]

Blue, the Warmest Color? Or the Most Profitable Color?

Blue Is the Warmest Color is a 2013 French movie directed by Abdellatif Kechiche, which won a lot of rewards including the Palme d'Or and the FIPRESCI Prize. This is a three-hour film about the romance story of a 15-year-old high school girl, Adèle (starring Adèle Exarchopoulos) and a female artist Emma (starring Léa Seydoux). The entire story depicts carefully about Adèle’s growth from adolescence to middle age, accompanied by confusion and struggle for her sexual identity. 

At the beginning of this story, Adèle was dating a boy, Thomas. Once they were dating, Adèle passed by a blue-haired girl when crossing the road. After this encounter, Adèle woke up in a dream about making love with this girl. She was confused and embarrassed by this fantasy. When her best friend Valentin, an openly gay man found her unhappy, he took her to a gay bar for fun. But later, Adèle came out and entered a lesbian bar by chance, where she met (again) and started getting to know the blue-haired girl, Emma. Adèle and Emma became friends and hung out with each other frequently. And their romance relationship confirmed by a shared kiss when picnic. A few years later, Adèle realized her dream to become a primary school teacher; Emma was preparing her art exhibition, and their relationship was not passionate like it used to be. Adèle had a sexual relationship with her male colleague Antoine because of Emma’s indifference. After this was known by Emma, ​​she drove Adèle out of the home immediately and refused her apology. Although Adèle expressed her love for Emma again a few years later, could not recover the relationship. And Emma had formed a new family with her first love, Lise. 

At the end of the film, when Adèle attended Emma’s art exhibition and saw many portraits of her own, she chose to leave quickly, which also marked the complete end of this relationship. In general, this film records the whole story of Adèle and Emma in a very delicate way, trying to present the audience with true lesbian life detail. And the goal of making the audience get involved in the real-life of the LGBTQIA community can contribute to the sympathy and understanding of them to a certain extent, which is conducive to the diversity of the media. But I critic that this film is still unable to break away from the use of lesbian love as the strategy “for creating ‘edgy’ programming and attracting a wide range of viewers” (Kohnen, 2015). And many descriptions in this film deepen the audience’s misunderstanding of the lesbian group.

Firstly, this film does a great job of recording Adèle’s life detail. For example, she always has a messy hair, she will open her mouth when sleeping, and she loves biting the bottom of the pen when she reads. When she gets lost or drunk, the film’s scene will shake and be a blur, just as seen from Adèle’s perspective. When she in the literature class, the shots keep switching to the teacher’s lecture and the students’ distraction because of the boring content. As a viewer, I can also feel that this content was very boring. The film recorded all these tiny details by using this first-person perspective technique to make Adèle just like a friend in our own life, or actually, she is ourselves. I believe to depict a character on a very personal level is a great strategy to promote the audience’s understanding. And this method also mentioned in the Goltz’s article for finding an effective term to refers to gay or lesbian in Kenyan language context, that one man focus on “there was more to him than his sexuality and that he was ‘beyond being homosexual or being a gay man’ ” and “ ‘to come out as me and not to highlight his sexuality, preferring to ‘talk about me, about my life, not about my queer life” (Goltz et al, 2016).

The tricky thing is that even though this film wants to show the real-life of lesbian, it almost becomes the most controversial lesbian movie because of the ten-minute (or even longer) lesbian sex scene. In fact, I was super embarrassed when I watch this scene because I invited all my roommates to watch this film together as a celebration of the weekend. I am not an extremely conservative person, I mean, the sex scene in this film is simply porn-level, so that we had to turn down the volume and made some jokes to cover up our embarrassment. Firstly, there was no background music in this scene, only big gasps instead and the sound of skin rubbing. Secondly, the scene boldly shows female whole body, without cover. In addition, the two actresses are very good in shape, without flaw or even pubic hair. This is the most confusing place for me. On the one hand, the director wants to present the most authentic lesbian life, which even refuses the background music at the sex scene; on the other hand, it idealizes the female body just as the male gaze, the flawless body, and the perfect shape.

Interestingly, the original author of this story, Julie Maroh expressed the same shock as me. She rated the most lacking in this film is lesbian, and aired her suspicion that there were no lesbians present onset (Romney, 2013). And “a brutal and surgical display, exuberant and cold, of so-called lesbian sex, which turned into porn” (Sciolino, 2013). Maroh replied in the interview, “everyone was giggling. Heterosexuals laugh at because they don’t understand it and find the scene ridiculous. The gay and queer people laughed because it’s not convincing, and find it ridiculous; and among the only people (who) we didn’t hear giggling were guys too busy feasting their eyes on an incarnation of their fantasies on screen” (Sciolino, 2013). When I learned that the director and both two actresses are straight, this makes more sense.

Director Kechiche labels himself as an unconditional devotee of realism. “I don’t want it to look like life,” he says of his cinema. “I want it to actually be life. Real moments of life, that's what I’m after” (Romney, 2013). But at the same time, he also admitted that his purpose is to idealize the female body (Sciolino, 2013). He explained, “Like paintings, or sculptures” (Romney, 2013). Ms. Seydoux counters the Kechiche’s use of the so-called real lesbian sex scene as an eyebrow-raising directly. When the reporter used “several unsimulated sex scenes” to ask Ms. Seydoux, she interrupted immediately, “Be careful, they are simulated. We were wearing prostheses” (Sciolino, 2013). Ms. Exarchopoulos used the word manipulation to describe the director's guidance for them. For both actresses, the filming process was horrible and indicated that they would no longer work with Kechiche (Stern, 2013).

(Léa Seydoux, Adèle Exarchopoulos, and Abdellatif Kechiche won the Palme d'Or.) 

It can be said that this film is successful in regards to cultural diversity as brand management. This movie has received a high honor, people should know it is the first film to have the Palme d'Or awarded to both the director and the (two) lead actresses (RFI, 2013). Not only that, but the film also performed not bad at the box office. It can be said that this is a work that has gained a good reputation and attracted the audience through brand management of cultural diversity. But as Kohnen mentioned, “the strategic use of LGBTQ content to signify edginess has not disappeared” (2015). Lesbian movies, especially those including so-called real lesbian sex scenes, are not only targeting the group that supports LGBTQIA and cultural diversity but also a straight (especially male) group who wants to satisfy their own sexual fantasies. Although shocked, it is important to know that Lesbian has been the most popular porn search term for porn sites (Lufkin, 2016).

So I have been thinking about whether lesbian movies are the most cost-effective thing. Due to the brand management of cultural diversity, LGBTQIA films can gain a good social reputation, because more or less they are showing/facilitating the spread of cultural diversity. On the other hand, this type of film caters to the Queer Market, as we mentioned the homonormativity, “depoliticized gay culture anchored in domesticity and consumption” (Duggan, 2002). In addition, a large number of heterosexual groups who want to satisfy their sexual fantasies/curiousness are attracted to the cinema.

The toughest point is that, as mentioned above, the director's purpose is to idealize the female body. And the two actresses clarified their heterosexual identity immediately after the processing of the film. Everyone has made a profit from this lesbian-themed film, but everyone is trying to getting rid of any suspicious of homosexuality identity after making a profit.

As an Asian (I used to believe myself as) straight woman, I have to admit that this film started to make me doubt my own sexual orientation. When I was watching this film, I would involuntarily introduce myself to Adèle’s role, and I found Emma to be a very charming woman. In the film, Emma's hair is blue in the first half and light brown in the second half of the film. The blue hair period is the sweetest time for her and Adèle. I think that Emma was really attractive at that time. And the second half with the light brown hair is the period that her relationship with Adèle is about to burst. I think this is why the film's name is Blue Is The Warmest Color. In fact, in the original comics, all the scenes are black and white, except that Emma's hair is blue, and the intuitive contrast that comic can present can more express this theme.

I have always lived in a heterosexual culture community. The heteronormative in Asian culture is more ingrained than Western culture, so I never thought about my sexual orientation. It’s like I also cannot figure out the sexual orientation of Adèle. She did not show any love for women other than Emma, and she had an affair with a man, not a woman. By watching this film, I am rethinking whether it is a wise choice to define sexual orientation based on gender. I love a person because of the gender of that person, or because that person is that person.

In general, I would think this film is a good movie, especially from the contribution that made me rethink my own identity. But when I know more about the story behind this film, the harder it is for me to evaluate it from the work itself. Everything became complicated when lesbian-themed movies/televisions connect with cultural diversity brand management, homonormativity, Queer Market, and even male sexual fantasy.

Reference:

Duggan, L. (2002). Equality, Inc. The Twilight of Equality? (PP. 43-66). Beacon Press, Boston.

Goltz, D. B., Zingsheim, J., Mastin, T., & Murphy, A. G. (2016). Discursive negotiations of Kenyan LGBTI identities: Cautions in cultural humility. Journal of International and Intercultural Communication, 9(2).

Kohnen, M. (2015). Cultural Diversity as Brand Management in Cable Television. Media Industries Journal, 2(2).

Lufkin, B. (2016). The Most Popular Porn Searches in Every State. Gizmodo.

RFI. (2013). Blue is the warmest color team win Palme d'Or at Cannes 2013. archive.org. https://web.archive.org/web/20130608102433/http://www.english.rfi.fr/culture/20130526-wins-palme-dor-cannes-2013

Romney, J. (2013). Abdellatif Kechiche interview: 'Do I need to be a woman to talk about love between women?'. the Guardian.

Sciolino, E. (2013). Darling of Cannes Now at Center of Storm. Nytimes.com.

Stern, M. (2013). The Stars of ‘Blue is the Warmest Color’ On the Riveting Lesbian Love Story. The Daily Beast.